Messy Hope - A Mom's Confession

Sunday.

A day filled with praise, worship, fellowship and preaching.

It's an amazing time where the heart can be filled with the joy of the Lord.

It's also a day that can start off, or end, pretty darn miserable as the enemy seeks to steal joy and peace and the pursuit of fellowship with our Father.

Perhaps the fussy kids, clothes that don't fit, messes around you, car problems etc will cause you to not go or perhaps they will create an air of hypocrisy in and around you as you step out the door in anger and frustration.  You KNOW where your heart should be focused.  You WANT the joy and the smiles, but now you are angry and staying home seems like a MUCH BETTER plan!  Yeah, been there far too many times.

Yesterday though, my Sunday started off great.  I got to meet new visitors, I got to say "Hi" and visit with many people and I was blessed to give and receive numerous hugs.  Worship was AMAZING (as it usually is). The sermon was right on (as it usually is) and I was overflowing in joy, peace, love and hope.  

I even posted on the Facebook page about hope.

Hope is not about what we wish for or wishful thinking.

Hope, in Christ, is supernaturally amazing in so many ways.

May you be filled with the Hope of Christ. The Hope you have through the gift of His son.

"a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain"

- Hebrews 6:13-20 (v19)

I was feeling great! but....

My heart, my attitude, my actions - my hope - were all about to be tested.  Again

It really was a minor incident.  

Yet somehow it opened up deep emotions of pain, fear and anxiety and it came to the surface like a volcano erupting.  

I yelled, I cried, I pouted and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have.

I was ready to give up homeschooling, homemaking of all kind and everything I passionately pursue. Forget it.  All those happy homemakers can have it! I'm done!  It was far from a right attitude and it caused my precious children to feel sad, and my husband to wonder what to do with me.

I said I would need to get a job, outside the home.  I knew it wasn't even right to postulate such a thing in front of my children, whom I have cared for day in and day out their whole lives. Of course, wanting that which I said was far from the truth.  It was all senseless frustration. I love being at home, with them.

Then it came. The most heart wrenching words ever came out of my child's mouth as she hugged me.

"You have a job mom. Your job is to love us and care for us."

Heart officially pierced.  Crushed to pieces...and melted...reshaped...at the same time.

I was failing miserably and my child was now encouraging me!  Oh sweet, sweet children. I am SO SO sorry!

Then, I felt even worse because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. I knew it went against EVERYTHING I desired and longed for in my heart. 

One minute I was rejoicing in the Zeal of the Lord (more about that in a coming post). 

In the next, I was ruining what should have been a great evening with our children.  I failed in every way of my great desire to see Peace, Joy, and Love reign this year by creating family memories for The Christmas Collective.

Now is when Satan wants to let the spiral propel to even more devastating ends...by sulking in despair over failure. 

Instead, I cry and I seek forgiveness.  I ask the Father to remind me of the Hope I know of. 

I ask a friend to pray for and with me.

Hope has become messy and I long to see it clearly again. 

He reminds me that His mercies are new every morning, and I am so, so, so thankful.

He asks me to share this failure, so others can know they are not alone.  

He reminds me that HIS love is STEADFAST and NEVER CEASES!

I will HOPE IN HIM!

But this I call to mind,

And therefore I have hope. 

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; 

his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The is LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him"

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him."

- Lamentations 3:21-25 

As I go through my morning devotional routine, I see the verse of the day for my Bible app....

"Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you.

If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, 

then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father.

And this is the promise that he made to us - eternal life."

-1 John 2:24-25 

I am reminded of that which abides in me as a believer and follower of Christ. It is not lost, it is still there.

I am reminded of His promises.  I am reminded of eternal life - a life which is to come, where Joy reigns.

I am reminded of the Hope I have as I enter the inner places and worship the great High Priest.

So today I fight against the enemies continued attempts to GET and KEEP me down because of  failure, anxiety, guilt or condemnation.

Today I cry at the feet of my Lord and let His words cover me and renew my mind and my heart.  

Today I ask for forgiveness (again) and accept His mercies to start anew.

Today, my children (and my sweet husband) learn, again, that mom is not perfect and she too needs the Savior, desperately and daily.

Today - I am reminded that I am DEFINITELY not-so-perfect, but He STILL IS!

The Christmas Collective - Part II: Tradition!

After recovering from Thanksgiving Day food overload, many of us are really beginning to soak in all that Christmastime brings.  The music and movies, the decorations and lights, the parties and events, the crafts and the great array of sweet treats and yummy foods...aahhh....  Many of these bring great joy and anticipation.

For those of us who look to CHRIST at Christmas time, we are reminded of a baby born, in humble and low circumstances.  We are reminded that through this birth and the following death and resurrection, we are given so, so much.  Thus, we are prompted to give in return.

For some, every moment of the holiday season is relished and looked forward to. They...we...even want to get the season started early.

Then there are many who find it all less than desirable. It may remind them of tragic and challenging circumstances, or the loss of someone special.  Or, it may be a reminder that they do not have "that someone special" to spend this time with, or the money with which to give to others.  For some, Christmas is too commercialized or has roots in celebrations that they don't want to be a part of, and so they choose not to participate at all.

What feelings do you have around the Christmas season? What does it mean to you?

For me, this is a mostly positive time as I reflect on many beautiful memories created over the years.  Most of these memories center more around traditions and pleasant times with loved ones and less about any gift I ever received.   

Except the violin in the closet mom, I remember that one well. How could I forget? The year I received my violin I also received all of my presents wrapped in the most amazing violin wrapping paper. It also began the annual gift, in said wrapping paper...for over 25 years.  It's the paper that never ends. It goes on and on my friends.

Anyway...
 

Looking back, I remember our school Christmas programs and our Christmas Eve services at church followed by a special present opening at home, which was always an ornament.

I remember dad buying the specially shaped ice cream treats; either Santa, a snowman or a Christmas tree. It was a one time purchase, just before Christmas.  I loved it.  I didn't care about artificial colorings then.

I remember my mom and her hidden gifts. She would buy them throughout the year and hide them in various places. You know, because we wouldn't do everything we could to find them anyway.  Inevitably on Christmas morning she would tell us, "Oh! I forgot one!" and leave the room.  Or, we'd find out about a missing gift a few days, months, or years later.  Of course, she'd forgotten where she stashed it.  

Gifts were also often without name tags. Sometimes, a gift would be handed to the wrong person. We'd open it and wonder, "Ummmmm...."   Then mom would laugh and sigh. Then we'd hand it over....

Years later, I would I take after her in so many ways.  Thankfully, we are both not-so-perfect.  

I thank my parents for all they did to make these times memorable.  Thanks to their efforts, and even the mishaps, there are many treasured memories in my heart that bring joy upon remembrance.

I've longed to follow my parents footsteps in my own home. I began creating our family traditions as a single mom. Then I married someone whose childhood was far, far different than mine.  His memories were different, and his traditions, or lack thereof, were far different. This caused some problems in the beginning as tradition meant a lot to me, and not so much to him.

Sometimes, in order to carry out the traditions I wanted, I have forced things to happen and brought more stress and tension in the home. Like making sure there are "enough" presents when we couldn't afford it.  

In other ways, the effort I put into carrying on Christmas traditions with my children has brought about positive experiences and fond memories for them as it used to for me. Like the ornament gifts on Christmas Eve, the stockings before presents on Christmas morning and...the opening of...ONE...gift...at...a...time! 

While traditions have meant so much to me, I recall the ways this has played out in our family.  I have this image of  Tevye (the papa in Fiddler on the Roof) as he cries out "Tradition!".  Because of it's importance, I would let frustration, anger and bitterness creep in and demand for "Tradition!"


In my heart, what I longed for was that things would stay the same; that they would be like my childhood.  I have longed to keep those feelings of safety and love and comfort. I want to share them and pass them on.

Last year though, Christmastime was far different. I was in the throes of helping to raise children who were not able to be with the ones they missed and loved.  They were not able to be loved and cared for and kept safe by their parents.  They didn't have loving family memories that were anything like mine.

All around me I was reminded of the pain brought on by selfishness, drugs, alcohol, anger and mental illnesses.  I was reminded of how many children who, while they would enjoy nice gifts, also need love, safety, comfort and family.

We loved our precious foster children dearly. We did what we could to make their time memorable and enjoyable.  We tried to give them new parameters for what Christmas could like in a home filled with love.  We gave them gifts, but we also gave them Christ by sharing the hope and the life that Jesus offers. 

Since then, so much has changed.  Our family dynamics, our finances and even our hearts. 

So what of tradition?  It looks different now.

The warm and comforting feelings of tradition are still treasured and desired when they can or do occur. We desire that these new traditions will be centered on the heart of God, not the heart of man. They gives us just a glimpse and a sweet reminder of the love of our Father. Ultimately, the feeling of peace comes through trusting in a great and good God, no matter what the circumstances are. This peace is at the root of the warm feelings, not the traditions themselves. 

My heart is ever more aware of the great wealth found in the gift of Jesus alone.  In this I rest, and have the gift of peace and joy.  

Traditions can be a way to share the love of Christ to others, but it begins with the heart and is determined in the focus.  In years past, as I tried to set traditions in place my heart wasn't always focused on Him, but more on me. Doing so kept me from experiencing the gift of peace He wanted to give me. 

This year I look forward to starting traditions centered on Christ and filled with the overflow of all that He has given me.  I look forward to seeking Him above the "things" and even above the expectations of what Christmastime should look like or be like.  In doing so, His peace is revealed. His joy is given. 

Even as I write this, I have just realized that we may have lost our history of ornament collecting in our move back home. I am sad, but the words I write remind my own heart that I have the memories, but most importantly, I have His peace and will not let the enemy steal my joy. 

This year I have a new level of peace and a revised focus.  We have been given so much to enjoy. We are blessed to have our home, our family, our friends and our community. So many do not have these. The only constant available to all of us, and in all, is Christ. 

Thankfulness for all that we already have invades my mind and all that gets planned.

This year we can't even begin to afford the plethora of gifts under the tree.  This year we don't even want it.  

This year we are more dedicated to focusing on the gifts of Jesus and our gifts to Him. 
 
This year, we look forward to enjoying what we already have and to spending time together.  We also remind ourselves to let disruptions run their course and then let it go.  In doing so, this year, we are creating and collecting memories filled with peace and love.

This year new traditions will be formed...out of hearts that continue to be transformed. 

What do your traditions look like?

Do you have a new tradition you would like to start?

ALSO IN THE SERIES, "THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE":

• Ushering in Something New
• Confessions of a Collector
• The Christmas Collective 
• The Christmas Collective - Part III: The Zeal of the Lord
• The Christmas Collective - Part IV: Redemption
• BOOK REVIEW : The War on Christmas : Battles in Faith, Tradition and Religious Expression 

POST SHARED ON "A WISE WOMAN BUILDS HER HOME" for Wednesday LinkUp.

The Christmas Collective

THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE

The Christmas Collective - is a Collection of memories.

 The Christmas Collective - is about giving from what you've been given.

The Christmas Collective - is about peace, joy and love.

For most of my life I have sought to collect "things" in some way. (Confessions of a Collector)  Much of the kind of collecting I have engaged in has been out of a childish state of obsession, indecisiveness, and selfishness.  Then, at Christmas time, my collective tendencies become all about getting the right gifts at the best prices so that I can give my children a Christmas to remember - based on the amazement of waking up to a tree full of presents.  I have done things because I felt I had to and because it is just "what you do."  My motivation was more out of compulsion and less out of love.

Every Christmas seems to get crazier.  We fill our calendars with activities, parties, travel and shopping. This leads to feelings of craziness, and exhaustion.  Yesterday, I overhead my friend say, "Since December is always insane..." Oh, how true! This pierced through the heart!  Insane?!  Lord - that is not what you desire!   Yet, that is what happens.

Busyness replaces peace.  Desires replace contentment.  Everywhere we go "Happy Holidays" replaces "Merry Christmas" and more and more all the glitter, trinkets and Santa "stuff" replace Jesus.  There seems to be little of Him to be found. 

Ultimately, stress, stuff and debt replace in our hearts the joy and peace He came to bring.

Surely, it doesn't have to be this way.

This year as the Christmas season is ushered in, I desire something different.  As I find this new child-like state settling over me, I find myself with such comfort and satisfaction in all that I already have, and in all that has already been given to me.  It is a state of knowing that all I have need of is taken care of, because I belong to Him. My children are in a similar state (for the most part).  They are thankful to have what they have and to be loved and secure as part of our family. 

This year is a great year for The Christmas Collective.

I have been given joy and peace.  I have been given unconditional love. Out of the overflow of these gifts, I give to my family this year.  Out of this giving, I can collect - something different.

Instead of collecting sales ads, purchases, stress and debt, which we cannot afford to do anyway, we will collect memories together.

Instead of fretting over the things that don't get done or getting angry over the hiccups that cause us to be late, or miss out on, an event, we will take a deep breath and "let it go".

Instead of expecting things to be "just right", we will anticipate that many things will be not-so-perfect.

What can we give? What does the Christmas Collective look like?

It looks like patience through calm, kind and respectful responses, especially to my husband and children, as well as to the rude man who cuts me off on the highway or the impatient woman in the check-out lane. It means that when someone acts in rude and selfish ways and my own anger and frustration is triggered, I will take a deep breath and seek to respond in ways that point to Jesus.

And when my response is not what it should be, It looks like humbly asking for forgiveness.

It looks like smiles and laughter as time is enjoyed together.  It means that when my children (and my spouse and I) act childishly immature, it looks like taking a moment to reset our focus and priorities.  In doing so, it looks like pointing to Jesus so that our hearts may be drawn closer to Him and closer to each other.

It doesn't look like a complete dismissal of everything to do with Santa, elves, reindeer and snowmen or setting our faces in a frown against it all.  We will still watch Christmas classic films together and we will enjoy them.  But we will not be focused on them.  It looks like enjoying stories for what they are and putting them in perspective.

As my family sees me smile and laugh through the not-so-perfect moments, and as they do so as well, it looks like healing from past wounds of the more than not-so-perfect attitudes of the past.

It looks like giving and collecting memories out of peace and joyand love. 

We will take time to go places, to create and to just have fun being together..and we will enjoy the process along the way. 

Our plans to go somewhere may become hindered by the unexpected, and then we'll adjust as needed.

Attempts to try new things in the kitchen may end up with messes, things broken and even the smell of something burning.  We will take pictures and we will laugh - and then we will clean up.

When we go out shopping, our time will be spent without hurry and with little agenda.   We will share in conversation and wonder as we wander.

Our plans to create fun and wonderful crafts and other projects may mean we don't have something we wish we had.  So we will rely on inventive minds (and Pinterest) to come up with alternatives.

When our attempts to create end up on a FAIL blog, we will laugh and be thankful that we had fun anyway.

We may plan, again, to regularly read from the Advent book and fall several days behind.  We will be OK with that, and go right on back to reading what we can, when we can.  

All-in-all, the things we do will probably have several not-so-perfect moments. These moments are expected and anticipated so that when they happen, they are less frustrating.

My hope and prayer is that though all of this, our eyes and hearts will be focused on Jesus first.  That in all we do or don't do, His peace will be felt in powerful ways...and the joy and peace we have will overflow as a gift to each other.

Memories will be collected. 

This collection will be filled with love and laughter. 

A collection of not-so-perfect moments, that are just perfect.

May your Christmas season be blessed with His joy and His peace
in all you do, or don't do.

*****

THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE

(TO SEE THE REST OF THE POSTS RELATED TO THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE - PLEASE CHECK OUT THE CATEGORY TO THE RIGHT.)

Also in the Christmas Collective

• Ushering in Something New...
• Confessions of a Collector
• The Christmas Collective - Part II: Tradition!
• ...COMING SOON   The Christmas Collective - Part III: Redemption

Shared on A Wise Woman Builds Her Home - http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com/  for Wednesday LinkUp