Messy Hope - A Mom's Confession

Sunday.

A day filled with praise, worship, fellowship and preaching.

It's an amazing time where the heart can be filled with the joy of the Lord.

It's also a day that can start off, or end, pretty darn miserable as the enemy seeks to steal joy and peace and the pursuit of fellowship with our Father.

Perhaps the fussy kids, clothes that don't fit, messes around you, car problems etc will cause you to not go or perhaps they will create an air of hypocrisy in and around you as you step out the door in anger and frustration.  You KNOW where your heart should be focused.  You WANT the joy and the smiles, but now you are angry and staying home seems like a MUCH BETTER plan!  Yeah, been there far too many times.

Yesterday though, my Sunday started off great.  I got to meet new visitors, I got to say "Hi" and visit with many people and I was blessed to give and receive numerous hugs.  Worship was AMAZING (as it usually is). The sermon was right on (as it usually is) and I was overflowing in joy, peace, love and hope.  

I even posted on the Facebook page about hope.

Hope is not about what we wish for or wishful thinking.

Hope, in Christ, is supernaturally amazing in so many ways.

May you be filled with the Hope of Christ. The Hope you have through the gift of His son.

"a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain"

- Hebrews 6:13-20 (v19)

I was feeling great! but....

My heart, my attitude, my actions - my hope - were all about to be tested.  Again

It really was a minor incident.  

Yet somehow it opened up deep emotions of pain, fear and anxiety and it came to the surface like a volcano erupting.  

I yelled, I cried, I pouted and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have.

I was ready to give up homeschooling, homemaking of all kind and everything I passionately pursue. Forget it.  All those happy homemakers can have it! I'm done!  It was far from a right attitude and it caused my precious children to feel sad, and my husband to wonder what to do with me.

I said I would need to get a job, outside the home.  I knew it wasn't even right to postulate such a thing in front of my children, whom I have cared for day in and day out their whole lives. Of course, wanting that which I said was far from the truth.  It was all senseless frustration. I love being at home, with them.

Then it came. The most heart wrenching words ever came out of my child's mouth as she hugged me.

"You have a job mom. Your job is to love us and care for us."

Heart officially pierced.  Crushed to pieces...and melted...reshaped...at the same time.

I was failing miserably and my child was now encouraging me!  Oh sweet, sweet children. I am SO SO sorry!

Then, I felt even worse because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. I knew it went against EVERYTHING I desired and longed for in my heart. 

One minute I was rejoicing in the Zeal of the Lord (more about that in a coming post). 

In the next, I was ruining what should have been a great evening with our children.  I failed in every way of my great desire to see Peace, Joy, and Love reign this year by creating family memories for The Christmas Collective.

Now is when Satan wants to let the spiral propel to even more devastating ends...by sulking in despair over failure. 

Instead, I cry and I seek forgiveness.  I ask the Father to remind me of the Hope I know of. 

I ask a friend to pray for and with me.

Hope has become messy and I long to see it clearly again. 

He reminds me that His mercies are new every morning, and I am so, so, so thankful.

He asks me to share this failure, so others can know they are not alone.  

He reminds me that HIS love is STEADFAST and NEVER CEASES!

I will HOPE IN HIM!

But this I call to mind,

And therefore I have hope. 

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; 

his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The is LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him"

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him."

- Lamentations 3:21-25 

As I go through my morning devotional routine, I see the verse of the day for my Bible app....

"Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you.

If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, 

then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father.

And this is the promise that he made to us - eternal life."

-1 John 2:24-25 

I am reminded of that which abides in me as a believer and follower of Christ. It is not lost, it is still there.

I am reminded of His promises.  I am reminded of eternal life - a life which is to come, where Joy reigns.

I am reminded of the Hope I have as I enter the inner places and worship the great High Priest.

So today I fight against the enemies continued attempts to GET and KEEP me down because of  failure, anxiety, guilt or condemnation.

Today I cry at the feet of my Lord and let His words cover me and renew my mind and my heart.  

Today I ask for forgiveness (again) and accept His mercies to start anew.

Today, my children (and my sweet husband) learn, again, that mom is not perfect and she too needs the Savior, desperately and daily.

Today - I am reminded that I am DEFINITELY not-so-perfect, but He STILL IS!

The Christmas Collective

THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE

The Christmas Collective - is a Collection of memories.

 The Christmas Collective - is about giving from what you've been given.

The Christmas Collective - is about peace, joy and love.

For most of my life I have sought to collect "things" in some way. (Confessions of a Collector)  Much of the kind of collecting I have engaged in has been out of a childish state of obsession, indecisiveness, and selfishness.  Then, at Christmas time, my collective tendencies become all about getting the right gifts at the best prices so that I can give my children a Christmas to remember - based on the amazement of waking up to a tree full of presents.  I have done things because I felt I had to and because it is just "what you do."  My motivation was more out of compulsion and less out of love.

Every Christmas seems to get crazier.  We fill our calendars with activities, parties, travel and shopping. This leads to feelings of craziness, and exhaustion.  Yesterday, I overhead my friend say, "Since December is always insane..." Oh, how true! This pierced through the heart!  Insane?!  Lord - that is not what you desire!   Yet, that is what happens.

Busyness replaces peace.  Desires replace contentment.  Everywhere we go "Happy Holidays" replaces "Merry Christmas" and more and more all the glitter, trinkets and Santa "stuff" replace Jesus.  There seems to be little of Him to be found. 

Ultimately, stress, stuff and debt replace in our hearts the joy and peace He came to bring.

Surely, it doesn't have to be this way.

This year as the Christmas season is ushered in, I desire something different.  As I find this new child-like state settling over me, I find myself with such comfort and satisfaction in all that I already have, and in all that has already been given to me.  It is a state of knowing that all I have need of is taken care of, because I belong to Him. My children are in a similar state (for the most part).  They are thankful to have what they have and to be loved and secure as part of our family. 

This year is a great year for The Christmas Collective.

I have been given joy and peace.  I have been given unconditional love. Out of the overflow of these gifts, I give to my family this year.  Out of this giving, I can collect - something different.

Instead of collecting sales ads, purchases, stress and debt, which we cannot afford to do anyway, we will collect memories together.

Instead of fretting over the things that don't get done or getting angry over the hiccups that cause us to be late, or miss out on, an event, we will take a deep breath and "let it go".

Instead of expecting things to be "just right", we will anticipate that many things will be not-so-perfect.

What can we give? What does the Christmas Collective look like?

It looks like patience through calm, kind and respectful responses, especially to my husband and children, as well as to the rude man who cuts me off on the highway or the impatient woman in the check-out lane. It means that when someone acts in rude and selfish ways and my own anger and frustration is triggered, I will take a deep breath and seek to respond in ways that point to Jesus.

And when my response is not what it should be, It looks like humbly asking for forgiveness.

It looks like smiles and laughter as time is enjoyed together.  It means that when my children (and my spouse and I) act childishly immature, it looks like taking a moment to reset our focus and priorities.  In doing so, it looks like pointing to Jesus so that our hearts may be drawn closer to Him and closer to each other.

It doesn't look like a complete dismissal of everything to do with Santa, elves, reindeer and snowmen or setting our faces in a frown against it all.  We will still watch Christmas classic films together and we will enjoy them.  But we will not be focused on them.  It looks like enjoying stories for what they are and putting them in perspective.

As my family sees me smile and laugh through the not-so-perfect moments, and as they do so as well, it looks like healing from past wounds of the more than not-so-perfect attitudes of the past.

It looks like giving and collecting memories out of peace and joyand love. 

We will take time to go places, to create and to just have fun being together..and we will enjoy the process along the way. 

Our plans to go somewhere may become hindered by the unexpected, and then we'll adjust as needed.

Attempts to try new things in the kitchen may end up with messes, things broken and even the smell of something burning.  We will take pictures and we will laugh - and then we will clean up.

When we go out shopping, our time will be spent without hurry and with little agenda.   We will share in conversation and wonder as we wander.

Our plans to create fun and wonderful crafts and other projects may mean we don't have something we wish we had.  So we will rely on inventive minds (and Pinterest) to come up with alternatives.

When our attempts to create end up on a FAIL blog, we will laugh and be thankful that we had fun anyway.

We may plan, again, to regularly read from the Advent book and fall several days behind.  We will be OK with that, and go right on back to reading what we can, when we can.  

All-in-all, the things we do will probably have several not-so-perfect moments. These moments are expected and anticipated so that when they happen, they are less frustrating.

My hope and prayer is that though all of this, our eyes and hearts will be focused on Jesus first.  That in all we do or don't do, His peace will be felt in powerful ways...and the joy and peace we have will overflow as a gift to each other.

Memories will be collected. 

This collection will be filled with love and laughter. 

A collection of not-so-perfect moments, that are just perfect.

May your Christmas season be blessed with His joy and His peace
in all you do, or don't do.

*****

THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE

(TO SEE THE REST OF THE POSTS RELATED TO THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE - PLEASE CHECK OUT THE CATEGORY TO THE RIGHT.)

Also in the Christmas Collective

• Ushering in Something New...
• Confessions of a Collector
• The Christmas Collective - Part II: Tradition!
• ...COMING SOON   The Christmas Collective - Part III: Redemption

Shared on A Wise Woman Builds Her Home - http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com/  for Wednesday LinkUp

Wrestling through the seasons

When I started blogging, rather...when I first started a blog and did virtually nothing with it...I did so with the hopes and dreams of sharing my learning journeys. My passions were steeped in grand overtures of cooking, gardening, herbs and DIY natural home & beauty care.  Who am I kidding, they still are.  I figured that everyone would want to know all the great things I learned about and about my successes and failures as I tried these things.  That's what blogging is about right? It would be a mah-velous adventure!

So, I read, I studied, I researched. I collected a wealth of information on the whys and the how-tos of all these grand venues. I collected books, websites, information and supplies. Yet...I remembered little...and followed through on even less....definitely, not-so-perfect. 

There are plenty of great reasons why I didn't accomplish much in these ventures. After all, I was doing a lot elsewhere. I had two small children 14 months apart, two older boys to home school and I operated a non-profit Christian lending library.  There was my husband to love, friends to meet, and a plethora of ministry activities to lead and assist with as well as a step-son that visited two to three weekends a month from an hour and a half away. Then, we moved and began to foster multiple children.  Yes, I was definitely busy!

Years passed, and I was too busy to do what I had in mind to do.  Although I've heard...that you are never too busy to do what's really important to you. So there's that. Hmmm....

Perhaps, I could have made more time?

Perhaps, it just wasn't the right time? 

More likely, His time looked much different than my time.

Really likely, what I had in mind just wasn't quite what God had in mind.

Despite my pursuits, I felt strongly that it was not my season to accomplish much.  At least, not much of the desires I sought after.

I knew this.  I knew, that I knew, that I knew....it was not my season. I told myself and I told others. But I wanted it! Like a child, I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now!

So I fought against the daily, seemingly mundane, activities of life; cleaning sticky messes, sweeping, vacuuming, cooking because you had to eat and not for fun, responding to whining and fighting children, wiping butts, toilet training young ones, trying to get one child to actually DO their school work and fighting with another about the WHY of doing their school work. Occasionally I found joy in this, but not often enough.

In other areas, I complied with things I felt He was leading me to do, though I felt ill equipped and I wasn't sure why I was doing them, except to serve Him. At one point I felt called to lead a talent show two years in a row. (For those who really know me, leading a large event is NOT my forte'!) We held a monthly teen fellowship night in our home because we felt led to do so. And then there's the library and the move to a ranch to foster and have up to 12 kids at one time. These were both large, adventurous, and often overwhelming, undertakings, especially for an introvert! I also stepped-down from ministries on occasion, to focus on family and re-prioritize.

Through times of obedience and times where it lacked, my Father has spoken to me. Over and over again he has called out to me.

Be patient and I will give you rest. 
Wait and trust in Me.  
Trust that my plans are perfect, they are for your best and for my glory.  
Believe in my wisdom and put your faith in me.  
You will find rest in Me as you seek Me with all your heart.

And then, I believe there is something else that He wants me to understand.

Do not waste the season you are in.
I have a purpose for you now.
Seek Me, Ask of Me, and Receive from Me...what I have for you in this moment.

Mentally, I got it.

Parts of my heart softened and surrendered to enjoy and live in the season I was in.

But...parts of my heart still held back.

He kept taking me in places I hadn't expected to go, places I often didn't want to go.

The Lord had work for me to do that looked different than the things I sought.  Yet, as I struggled internally, and wrestled with God, I grew.

In some areas I laid down my needs and wants to seek after His. It was here that I found peace and joy.

In other areas I still held back. There, I felt sadness and lacked peace.  

Where I kept a part of my heart back, I did not reap the full benefit of what my Father had for me.

Remember the song in Sesame Street? Which one of these things is not like the other? Yeah, I've been like that. Sticking out and standing there saying, I don't want to do what fits and what belongs in this picture you've put together God. Don't you know what I want to do?

I told God, I'm ready now for the season that is ahead of me. I told God that this is what I want to do. It's kind of like wearing a bikini on the coast of Maine...in January. Or, a heavy parka in the deserts of Arizona...in August. It doesn't fit. It doesn't belong.

Then - the light shines on the one who isn't doing what they are supposed to be doing, and it is painfully obvious.  At this point a decision has to be made. Either continue in a foolish pattern of doing your own thing, or look to the Creator and ask him to show you where you really belong. At this point, I recognized that my warring desires were frequently faced with a call to surrender. 

The more I laid down my needs and desires, the more I began to see that not only had I been battling God's plan and His best for me, but I was fighting against my unique strengths and giftings.  I was forcing desires in my life that weren't for me. They were part of my journey, but not the fulfillment of where God wanted me to go. God was showing me the blessings of a heart committed to Him no matter what. This is a much sweeter place to be; a place where peace is found. 

"Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth." - Colossians 3:2

I began to recognize that my attempts to cook, garden, etc and my desire to blog about it, just weren't coming to fruition.  I watched my sister's faithfulness in a focused area help her in a successful allergy friendly blog (which I highly recommend, www.hopeskitchen.info)   I noticed that friends were doing far more than I when it came to my areas of significant interest.  Then, I realized that all these desires I had (have) were really more like passionate hobbies.  The deeper, more prominate desire in my heart was to learn, and to share with others about my loving and almighty Father. 
 
It was time to ACCEPT my own journey.

It was time to ACCEPT that it looked different than what I envisioned. That it looked different than others' journeys.

It was time to ACCEPT that when I have trusted and obeyed in serving Him over the years I have been fulfilling part of my purpose. 

It was time to ACCEPT that his timing is best. 

It was time to ACCEPT that the season I am in is part of His plan and is for his glory. 

It was time to BELIEVE and ACCEPT that God's future plans for me would be for His glory too, no matter what they look like.

It was time to grow further in TRUSTING God's plan over my own. 

Recently, I was introduced to the concept of Life Languages. I will be writing more about this in the future, but in a nutshell there are seven life languages that characterize the way we communicate and interact with others. Finding out what mine are (and what my husband's are) has helped greatly.  Through the investment of our time (20 min) and money (it runs $45 per person) to take the KLLP (Kendall Life Languages Profile), I was able to identify some interesting dynamics to my internal wrestling.

My strongest life language is "Contemplator".  In a moderate second is "Responder" and third is "Doer".  In short, that means that I have a desire to DO things, but often get pulled away or change what I am doing to RESPOND to others and before that even happens I spend far more time CONTEMPLATING than DOing. I think and think (study and research) more than DO.  WOW! That's exactly what happens! 

I faced this reality head on. The reality of where my strengths really lie.  The reality that I wouldn't ever have a fabulous DIY, or natural living, or organic gardening blog because I will think more about it than do anything with it. I faced the reality that God had something different for me.  By facing this and accepting it, it didn't mean death to me. It meant life.

I accepted the things I have not done, the things I thought I had failed in. I reflected on the reasons why. I considered the things I have done, and then accepted the gifts God HAS given me.  

He has shown me that it wasn't so much about failing, as it was about succeeding.   Succeeding by accepting that who I am is better defined by Christ and not by what I think I should be.  Succeeding by laying down my wants and desires entrusting them to my Father.  Succeeding by recognizing what my true abilities are and seeking to pursue how these fit in His plan.

I still have my passionate hobbies.  I will still learn and grow and eventually accomplish more.  I will still write, occasionally, about the process. But my writing will not be primarily about this.

I will write as the Lord leads me. I will accept failures along the way. I will seek to show that His grace is sufficient for me and that His power is made perfect in my weakness.   (2 Corinthians 12:9)  

His Not So Perfect Housewife is about being real.  Real trials, real sorrows.  As well as real joy and real victories, in all facets of life.  It is my hope that as I openly share these victories and failures that my Father is glorified.  It is my hope that you and I may find camaraderie in our struggles and hope for our victories.

As John Piper's well-known statement goes, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."  Let us seek Him in all things.

Lord - I come before you with a restless heart that desires to seek you in ALL things. I desire to trust you fully in what you have for me now and what you have planned for me I the future. Meet me here Lord - where I am, in the season I am in. Amen. 

Humbled by comparison

Last weekend I joined several women from our church for the annual women's retreat.  It was by far the best one I've ever been to. I left home raw with emotions and came back utterly emotionally exhausted, yet rejuvenated at the same time.

The theme was "I am more than..."  Numerous women shared their stories of being more than the season they were in, the circumstances of their life and their emotions.  I think every woman in that room had something to share and most did. They shared the work of Jesus in their lives, or the desire to see Jesus do a mighty work. They shared pain and healing. They shared their stories of redemption. The sharing of their stories drew us together.  There was a powerful feeling of connectedness that happened as stories were told.

We had a great introduction to our weekend as our first speaker talked about redemption.  She shared how redemption is MORE THAN the forgiveness of sins.  It is more than payment.  It includes deliverance and restoration.  She talked about our stories being important because they are - OUR stories. They are OUR journeys.  They are personal and there is joy to be found in each one.

She also shared how she has experienced the thoughts of "I have no story because nothing major has happened in my life" to thoughts of "Oh, well I have been through this, this and this.  When YOU have been through this...come talk to me." While I recognized what she said and agreed with the point she made, I did not realize I was about to engage in the same sad game of comparison.

In hearing women share their stories I found myself doing the very thing I seek not to do - judge others.  I walked into the room consumed by a number of things that have been wearing out my heart for some time. Honestly, I was focused on me and my pain. As the stories poured forth I found myself judging one person in particular and thinking, "Oh, she's just dealing with such and such. Whatever.  My struggles are far more challenging then hers." UGH. It hurts to admit this ugliness in me, but it was there.

Then, I heard more. More of her real story and the things God has brought her through. Oh my goodness.  So much MORE than I've dealt with!  I went from thinking she had no real reason to cry to thinking she is such an amazingly strong and vibrant woman of God! I found myself going from a stance of thinking, "Oh, I could help her with blah, blah, blah" to "Oh Lord, let the peace and strength she has resonate through me more!"

Just as I am typing this up, my email notifier showed up on my screen to let me know about books dealing with HUMILITY .  Nice Lord.  I just love your sense of humor. Deep breath now...

Yet, as I recognized that her story had great value, I also felt myself comparing again. Now I saw more value in her than in myself. I felt myself on both sides of comparison in this one woman sharing her story. As another speaker, Carrie, said when she spoke, we so often compare ourselves with others. We can compare ourselves with anything. "It's a gift. We don't even have to think about it. We just do it." Yep - I sure did. It was humbling and it was eye opening.

When the retreat closed the Lord gave me a shift in my perspective.  I was able to see the judgment I quickly passed, the shift of valuing this woman more and then even the fight to not let her value, her story, overshadow my own value in the Lord.   

I saw a need for improved lenses so that I can see others, and myself, more as Jesus does.  I needed a new perspective of the value of the Lord's work, whether in me or in others. My perspective changed to allow me to see each story and each work of redemption as valued for what it is, the work of a loving author and healer who desires redemption for each of us.

It is my heart's desire to grow more in seeing the value of others as I seek for balance in my own value before Him.  It was refreshing to recognize this and it was a gift. I am thankful to be shown my own pride, even though it seemed like an air of helpful service.  Really, my thoughts were rooted in pride. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to have pride shoved aside in favor of seeing much greater value and purpose in this woman - through the sharing of her story.

I am thankful for being reminded that her story, and my story, is valued and is important.

We are all works in progress and we all have victories and challenges.  We each have our own story and it is OUR OWN story.  Each story has great value.  The process of redemption in each story is extremely valuable. It is the work of a mighty and loving God who desires to deliver and to restore. The work He is doing in and through each of His children is of utterly great value. May we see our stories though the lenses of our redeemer.

Some stories of redemption are complete and we can rejoice in a known ending. Some are still in process and we look forward, with hope, to see a victorious ending.  In some stories, we will not see the end and they will require trust in a great and good God to know that the end is in His sight.

In all these works, let us keep our eyes fixed on the weaver of our stories.  Let us look forward to His redemptive work.  Let us be comforted that each of our stories are important because they are important to Him and because they reflect the work that He is doing.

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; 

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before, 

and lay your hand upon me.

...

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me, 

when as yet there was none of them."

-Psalm 139:1-5;16

Deadly poison or lifegiving nourishment?

When I created the Facebook page for this blog I had no idea what pictures I could use to represent the theme of "His Not So Perfect Housewife".  Really, I'm still not sure what would be the best picture to use and may have to create my own. Unless...someone with a more creative gene than I has a great photo that they would like to offer... I'm not opposed to hand-me-downs.

Anyway, I needed something to use and came across a few botanical photos I had collected.  It got me thinking. One of my "not so perfect" hobbies is herbs. (Note: I have come to terms with my love for herbs as a hobby, not a talent or even an all-out, sold-out passion. A hobby. It's OK.  But I digress...)