One Heart. Many, many pieces. The tearing of eyes & the tearing of aheart.

A Wife
     Adoring Comforted Delighted Thankful
     Hurting Wondering Wishing
     Clinging Hoping Loving

A Mother
     Rejoicing Caring Praising Joyful
     Grieving Torn Wanting
     Clinging Hoping Loving

A Woman
     Believing Soaking Receiving Trusting
     Conflicted Wounded Weeping
     Clinging Hoping Loving

Today has been one of those "feel like your heart was banged up against your chest" kind of days.  For years I had thought of myself as being one of those women who don't cry much.  For years I simply did not easily tear up. At least, I thought I didn't. These last few years though have put me FAR into the realm of feeling deeply and experiencing many, many emotions more significantly. Today was simply RACKED FULL with raw emotions on various spectrums, like all...over...the...place.

Our day began with the most amazing experience.  We saw a 14 year old get baptized.  A 14 year old boy whom we saw go from utter despair to amazing hope. A boy whom we loved and shared the hope and love of Jesus with. This boy is the oldest of the sibling group of five children that we cared for for 15 months.

 Due to a number of circumstances, we were not able to keep caring for the sibling group and let me tell you....that alone tore me up inside!  I love these children - deeply. I wanted to be there for them through all their triumphs. When these precious children first came to us, caring for them was extremely challenging. There were many struggles and battles to be fought and much, much love and forbearance required. We went through it. I wanted to be a part of the joy filled life on the other side. Ultimately, we were not to continue in our role.  It was something that was clearly directed by God.  We had to trust in Him in yet another new and deeper level.  Then He brought these children to a loving Christian home about 30-40 minutes away from us.  The way God worked out the details was simply a miracle.

Today - we got to watch this child be baptized and take that bold step to let all know that HE is going to FOLLOW JESUS and TRUST HIM! For this, I was overjoyed!

Today - we also sat by him.  We were there as, well...we'll always feel like parents to him...yet...we aren't.  So we were there as people who will always love and care for him but on the outside of his immediate family. That was tough for me.  He is now in the care of another home. Another set of parents. So are his siblings. I miss them. Part of me longs to be mom to them, but I can't and I'm not supposed to be. For this I am sad and conflicted.

That...tears...a...heart.



Also - sitting by us during this precious time was one of my biological children.  This child is hurting and seeking.  We, as parents, are faced with a tough decision and pain brought on by decisions that they are making which we do not agree with.   We are faced with decisions we don't want to make. I wish the whole painful situation would disappear and we could be a happy, joy-fulfilled, loving family always making the right decisions. But it just isn't where we are at.

This also...tears...a...heart.

My Darling D and I have been facing many struggles, individually and as a couple.  We love each other greatly, in an amazing way I believe. Yet at the same time we've had points of pain that are real, are at the surface and we are being forced to work through it to either see our marriage become stronger than ever imagined, or potentially shrivel and be covered in platitudes and politeness in order to survive. The latter is simply not acceptable and we are both fighting in our own way to get through and to bring a new wholeness and a new level of love between us, because we do...love Him and love each other.

This too...tears...a...heart.

So today, my emotions were raw and open and my heart felt like it was torn into so many, many pieces.  So many feelings competing and restored peace was needed.

After the baptism, we went to our church. I hugged a friend whose heart is hurting deeply over situations with their children.  I spoke to another friend whose relative had committed suicide recently.  I saw others whom I know have been through the death of children, living with cancer and other diseases and have faced many tragedies and sufferings.

All this certainly...tears...a...heart.

Tears in the eyes. Hearts are torn. Pain is real. Suffering is in this world.

THEN WHAT?

Our pastor preaches on...da..da..ta..da! Of course - SUFFERING! Why Does God Allow Suffering!  Ugh - really? Today? Oh wait - YES, today! OK...Thank you Lord.

He preaches. I listen. I am comforted and yet hurting.

We sing afterwards.  We praise Him.  We sing of being Alive and I am wanting to feel it more than I do - but at this moment I am not.

Then, we sing "Beautiful Things" by Gungor.  I weep, and weep and weep.  My friends hug me and try to comfort me.

A torn heart still feeling many, many emotional pieces is sewn together in the Father's love and reminded that He is "making all things new".

I remember the joy in the face of a once lost 14 year old boy who has been saved and renewed. I see what He, my Savior, has done for this boy, and for me.  I am thankful.

I cling to Him. I hope in Him. I love Him.

Explore God: Why Does God Allow Suffering - Pastor Morgan's message can be found here