Messy Hope - A Mom's Confession

Sunday.

A day filled with praise, worship, fellowship and preaching.

It's an amazing time where the heart can be filled with the joy of the Lord.

It's also a day that can start off, or end, pretty darn miserable as the enemy seeks to steal joy and peace and the pursuit of fellowship with our Father.

Perhaps the fussy kids, clothes that don't fit, messes around you, car problems etc will cause you to not go or perhaps they will create an air of hypocrisy in and around you as you step out the door in anger and frustration.  You KNOW where your heart should be focused.  You WANT the joy and the smiles, but now you are angry and staying home seems like a MUCH BETTER plan!  Yeah, been there far too many times.

Yesterday though, my Sunday started off great.  I got to meet new visitors, I got to say "Hi" and visit with many people and I was blessed to give and receive numerous hugs.  Worship was AMAZING (as it usually is). The sermon was right on (as it usually is) and I was overflowing in joy, peace, love and hope.  

I even posted on the Facebook page about hope.

Hope is not about what we wish for or wishful thinking.

Hope, in Christ, is supernaturally amazing in so many ways.

May you be filled with the Hope of Christ. The Hope you have through the gift of His son.

"a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain"

- Hebrews 6:13-20 (v19)

I was feeling great! but....

My heart, my attitude, my actions - my hope - were all about to be tested.  Again

It really was a minor incident.  

Yet somehow it opened up deep emotions of pain, fear and anxiety and it came to the surface like a volcano erupting.  

I yelled, I cried, I pouted and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have.

I was ready to give up homeschooling, homemaking of all kind and everything I passionately pursue. Forget it.  All those happy homemakers can have it! I'm done!  It was far from a right attitude and it caused my precious children to feel sad, and my husband to wonder what to do with me.

I said I would need to get a job, outside the home.  I knew it wasn't even right to postulate such a thing in front of my children, whom I have cared for day in and day out their whole lives. Of course, wanting that which I said was far from the truth.  It was all senseless frustration. I love being at home, with them.

Then it came. The most heart wrenching words ever came out of my child's mouth as she hugged me.

"You have a job mom. Your job is to love us and care for us."

Heart officially pierced.  Crushed to pieces...and melted...reshaped...at the same time.

I was failing miserably and my child was now encouraging me!  Oh sweet, sweet children. I am SO SO sorry!

Then, I felt even worse because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. I knew it went against EVERYTHING I desired and longed for in my heart. 

One minute I was rejoicing in the Zeal of the Lord (more about that in a coming post). 

In the next, I was ruining what should have been a great evening with our children.  I failed in every way of my great desire to see Peace, Joy, and Love reign this year by creating family memories for The Christmas Collective.

Now is when Satan wants to let the spiral propel to even more devastating ends...by sulking in despair over failure. 

Instead, I cry and I seek forgiveness.  I ask the Father to remind me of the Hope I know of. 

I ask a friend to pray for and with me.

Hope has become messy and I long to see it clearly again. 

He reminds me that His mercies are new every morning, and I am so, so, so thankful.

He asks me to share this failure, so others can know they are not alone.  

He reminds me that HIS love is STEADFAST and NEVER CEASES!

I will HOPE IN HIM!

But this I call to mind,

And therefore I have hope. 

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; 

his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The is LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him"

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him."

- Lamentations 3:21-25 

As I go through my morning devotional routine, I see the verse of the day for my Bible app....

"Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you.

If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, 

then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father.

And this is the promise that he made to us - eternal life."

-1 John 2:24-25 

I am reminded of that which abides in me as a believer and follower of Christ. It is not lost, it is still there.

I am reminded of His promises.  I am reminded of eternal life - a life which is to come, where Joy reigns.

I am reminded of the Hope I have as I enter the inner places and worship the great High Priest.

So today I fight against the enemies continued attempts to GET and KEEP me down because of  failure, anxiety, guilt or condemnation.

Today I cry at the feet of my Lord and let His words cover me and renew my mind and my heart.  

Today I ask for forgiveness (again) and accept His mercies to start anew.

Today, my children (and my sweet husband) learn, again, that mom is not perfect and she too needs the Savior, desperately and daily.

Today - I am reminded that I am DEFINITELY not-so-perfect, but He STILL IS!