When I started blogging, rather...when I first started a blog and did virtually nothing with it...I did so with the hopes and dreams of sharing my learning journeys. My passions were steeped in grand overtures of cooking, gardening, herbs and DIY natural home & beauty care.
Who am I kidding, they still are. I figured that everyone would want to know all the great things I learned about and about my successes and failures as I tried these things.
That's what blogging is about right? It would be a mah-velous adventure!
So, I read, I studied, I researched. I collected a wealth of information on the whys and the how-tos of all these grand venues. I collected books, websites, information and supplies. Yet...I remembered little...and followed through on even less
....definitely, not-so-perfect.
There are plenty of
great reasons
why I didn't accomplish much in these ventures. After all, I was doing a lot elsewhere. I had two small children 14 months apart, two older boys to home school and I operated a non-profit Christian lending library. There was my husband to love, friends to meet, and a plethora of ministry activities to lead and assist with as well as a step-son that visited two to three weekends a month from an hour and a half away. Then, we moved and began to foster multiple children. Yes, I was definitely busy!
Years passed, and I was too busy to do what I had in mind to do. Although I've heard...that you are never too busy to do what's really important to you.
So there's that. Hmmm....
Perhaps, I could have made more time?
Perhaps, it just wasn't the
right time?
More likely,
His time looked much different than
my time.
Really likely,
what I had in mind just wasn't quite what God had in mind.
Despite my pursuits, I felt strongly that it was not my season to accomplish much. At least, not much of the desires I sought after.
I knew this. I knew, that I knew, that I knew....it was not my season. I told myself and I told others. But I
wanted it! Like a child, I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now!
So I fought against the daily, seemingly mundane, activities of life; cleaning
sticky messes, sweeping, vacuuming, cooking because you had to eat and
not for fun, responding to whining and fighting children, wiping butts,
toilet training young ones, trying to get one child to actually DO their
school work and fighting with another about the WHY of doing their
school work. Occasionally I found joy in this, but not often enough.
In other areas, I complied with things I felt He was leading me to do,
though I felt ill equipped and I wasn't sure why I was doing them,
except to serve Him. At one point I felt called to lead a talent show two years in a row.
(For those who really know me, leading a large event is NOT my forte'!) We held a monthly teen fellowship night in our home because we felt led to do so. And then there's the library and the move to a ranch to foster and have up to 12 kids at one time. These were both large, adventurous, and often overwhelming, undertakings, especially for an introvert! I also stepped-down from ministries on occasion, to focus on
family and re-prioritize.
Through times of obedience and times where it lacked, my Father has spoken to me. Over and over again he has called out to me.
Be patient and I will give you rest.
Wait and trust in Me.
Trust that my plans are perfect, they are for your best and for my glory.
Believe in my wisdom and put your faith in me.
You will find rest in Me as you seek Me with all your heart.
And then, I believe there is something else that He wants me to understand.
Do not waste the season you are in.
I have a purpose for you now.
Seek Me, Ask of Me, and Receive from Me...what I have for you in this moment.
Mentally, I got it.
Parts of my heart softened and surrendered to enjoy and live in the season I was in.
But...parts of my heart still held back.
He kept taking me in places I hadn't expected to go, places I often didn't want to go.
The Lord had work for me to do that looked different than
the things I sought. Yet, as I struggled internally, and wrestled with God, I
grew.
In some areas I laid down my needs and wants to seek after His. It was here that I found peace and joy.
In other areas I still held
back. There, I felt sadness and lacked peace.
Where I kept a part of my heart back, I did not reap the full benefit of what my Father had for me.
Remember the song in Sesame Street? Which one of these things is not
like the other? Yeah, I've been like that. Sticking out and standing there saying, I
don't want to do what fits and what belongs in this picture you've put together God. Don't you know what I
want to do?
I told God, I'm ready now for the
season that is ahead of me. I told God that
this is what
I want to do. It's kind of like wearing a bikini on the
coast of Maine...in January.
Or, a heavy parka in the deserts of Arizona...in August. It doesn't fit. It
doesn't belong.
Then - the light shines on the one who isn't doing what they are supposed to be doing, and it is painfully obvious. At this point a decision has to be made. Either continue in a foolish pattern of doing your own thing, or look to the Creator and ask him to show you where you really belong.
At this point, I recognized that my warring desires were frequently faced with a call to surrender.
The more I laid down my needs and desires, the more I began to see that not only had I been battling God's plan and His best for me, but I was fighting against my unique strengths and giftings. I was forcing desires in my life that weren't for me. They were part of my journey, but not the fulfillment of where God wanted me to go.
God was showing me the blessings of a heart committed to Him no matter what. This is a much sweeter place to be; a place where peace is found.
"Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth." - Colossians 3:2
I began to recognize that my attempts to cook, garden, etc and my desire to blog about it, just weren't coming to fruition. I watched my sister's faithfulness in a focused area help her in a successful allergy friendly blog (which I highly recommend,
www.hopeskitchen.info) I noticed that friends were doing far more than I when it came to my areas of significant interest. Then, I realized that all these desires I had (have) were really more like passionate hobbies.
The deeper, more prominate desire in my heart was to learn, and to share with others about my loving and almighty Father.
It was time to ACCEPT my own journey.
It was time to ACCEPT that it looked different than what I envisioned. That it looked different than others' journeys.
It was time to ACCEPT that when I have trusted and obeyed in serving Him over the years I have been fulfilling part of my purpose.
It was time to ACCEPT that his timing is best.
It was time to ACCEPT that the season I am in is part of His plan and is for his glory.
It was time to BELIEVE and ACCEPT that God's future plans for me would be for His glory too, no matter what they look like.
It was time to grow further in TRUSTING God's plan over my own.
Recently, I was introduced to the concept of Life Languages. I will be writing more about this in the future, but in a nutshell there are seven life languages that characterize the way we communicate and interact with others. Finding out what mine are (and what my husband's are) has helped greatly. Through the investment of our time (20 min) and money (it runs $45 per person) to take the
KLLP (Kendall Life Languages Profile), I was able to identify some interesting dynamics to my internal wrestling.
My
strongest life language is "Contemplator". In a moderate second is
"Responder" and
third is "Doer". In short, that means that I have a
desire to DO things, but often get pulled away or change what I am doing to RESPOND to others and
before that even happens I spend far more time CONTEMPLATING than DOing. I think and think (study and research) more than DO. WOW! That's exactly what happens!
I faced this reality head on. The reality of where my strengths really lie. The reality that I wouldn't ever have a fabulous DIY, or natural living, or organic gardening blog because I will
think more about it than
do anything with it. I faced the reality that God had something different for me. By facing this and accepting it, it didn't mean death to me. It meant
life.
I accepted the things I have not done, the things I thought I had failed in. I reflected on the
reasons why. I considered the things I
have done, and then accepted the gifts God HAS given me.
He has shown me that it wasn't so much about failing, as it was about succeeding. Succeeding by accepting that who I am is better defined by Christ and not by what I think I
should be. Succeeding by laying down my wants and desires entrusting them to my Father. Succeeding by recognizing what my true abilities are and seeking to pursue how these fit in His plan.
I still have my passionate hobbies. I will still learn and grow and eventually accomplish more. I will still write, occasionally, about the process. But my writing will not be primarily about this.
I will write as the Lord leads me. I will accept failures along the way. I will seek to show that His grace is sufficient for me and that His power is made perfect in my weakness.
(2 Corinthians 12:9)
His Not So Perfect Housewife is about being real. Real trials, real sorrows. As well as real joy and real victories, in all facets of life. It is my hope that as I openly share these victories and failures that my Father is glorified. It is my hope that you and I may find camaraderie in our struggles and hope for our victories.
As John Piper's well-known statement goes, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." Let us seek Him in all things.
Lord - I come before you with a restless heart that desires to seek you in ALL things. I desire to trust you fully in what you have for me now and what you have planned for me I the future. Meet me here Lord - where I am, in the season I am in. Amen.
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