He lifts my head...I hold His hand

The lyrics of Meredith Andrews song resonate in my head.

Lift up your head

And throw off every chain

Lift up your eyes

To the One who doesn't change

Lift up your hands

The broken he will mend

So lift up your head

My hands had been lifted - time and time again -in praise, in thanks, in joy, in worship and in the storms.  I love to lift them up to my Lord.  But - after many storms, my hands were growing more and more weary.  He was speaking to me all the while.

     I could not throw off the chains.  - I can 

          I'd lift my eyes up and they would become cast down again. - I am watching you
 
               I cried at his feet. -  I will wipe away your tears

                    My hands covered my eyes. Tears rolled. I was desperate. - I AM

                         I was right where He wanted me to be...
                                       - You are here with Me

In the days prior to leaving, I could barely get out of bed. Packing seemed far off and something I couldn't even do in my thoughts. Everything within me felt weighed down by the chain around me.  It is one that I have worn before.  Maybe you have worn it too? It is truly heavy and it is often made link by link.

Guilt - Condemnation - Failure - Fear - Despair

All lies - I knew they were lies, yet the accuser kept whispering them to me.  The more I fought, the more deceptive and subtle the enemy became.  I started to listen more and as I did my resolve and my hope dwindled considerably.  The voice of God was becoming quieter and farther off.  I hated this. Knowing what I know and believing as I do, the feeling of darkness covering me made it easy to feel even worse. I should be rejoicing in the LORD! ...like I used to do.

Even so, He was there with me in the pain and the sadness and the darkness.  He kept reminding me so much of Him through His word, through prayer and through beautiful songs of praise and worship.

He said things to me over and over again.  I have not left you. I have not forsaken you. He kept telling me not to fear.

"It is the LORD who goes before you.
He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed."
- Deuteronomy 31:8

He reminded me - Keep your eyes fixed on me.

That song again, (Meredith Andrews)

Let us all fix our gaze

On the Author of our faith

From all else we turn away

For the joy that conquers shame

Joy?  Where had it gone? It was something longed for, but something just out of reach.

Then He did as He often does. Morning came and the Lord provided the mercies I needed for the new day.  He had made it clear that he wanted me to go. I needed to go. My trust was solely on Him.  It had to be.

So, I packed and I went.  

Day One meant heading straight into a place where memories would flood in and it meant facing painful circumstances.  He gave me the strength I needed for that day, and for each moment as they came. 

Towards the end of Day One, my Father gave me a gift.  The gift of an unexpected conversation. The gift of being the one to offer forgiveness when I did not know forgiveness was even sought. What a joyous gift it was!

When I first saw her, well over a year ago, I thought we could be friends.  I sought her eyes and hoped to meet, but our eyes never met and I shrugged it off.  At that time, I had a strong need and desire for new friends.  It was during the largest step of faith I had ever taken where I was plunged into a new community and unfamiliar territory.  I often felt alone.

Yet, during this time, the Lord helped me to take every moment, every need and every situation, to Him....and release it.  For the most part, releasing my worries and concerns in this particular journey was pretty easy. This alone was a miracle.  Let go? REALLY trust? Yeah - that wasn't how I operated most of the time. 

God has graciously given me many blessings through surrendered faith. Even so, every moment, large and small, left its imprint on my heart.  After many months, those imprints began to meld together and the enemy used these and other painful wounds as well as the whispers of  his lies to wear me down in every way possible.

When she came to me, and asked me to sit down with her, I was surprised. It was the first time we had spoken. For me, her imprint was small, quite small, considering the many, many other imprints over this journey.  Yet - her presence, her love, her humility and her heart-felt conversation with me that night - was large. Quite large.  

Often, my heart hurts greatly when I see or feel someone dishonoring God.  In the same way, when I see someone show great honor and love I am deeply moved and exhilarated.   Seeing a precious and beautiful daughter of our King, my sister-in-Christ, moved to tears and humbly asking for forgiveness gave me great, great joy.  Not because I felt it was needed or ever expected it, but because she is so precious in God's eyes and her act was so pleasing to Him that I couldn't help but rejoice!  What a gift!

So - in 24 hours - I had gone from a desperately low place in my spirit to a place of awe and wonder.  Yay God! Thank you!  In addition, I began to feel loved more deeply through her act, and through the brilliant smiles of a few friends I hadn't seen in several months.  Day One began a journey of healing.

Days Two, Three and Four were filled with more love and more large movements in my heart.  By trusting a dear friend, I agreed to attend a "Walk to Emmaus" event.  God would use this time to draw me oh so close in His embrace. Through this event, the people that were involved and the activities I participated in, God brought about a beautiful caressing and nurturing to my heart.

On Day Three the Lord began to give me beautiful images to revel in as He spoke to me of His love and His fellowship and His Fatherhood.

I pondered the story of Emmaus as recorded in the book of Luke.  As Cleopas and "the other" walked along the road to Emmaus with Jesus, they did not know that the one who joined them on their journey was the very one they longed for.   Luke 24:26 says "But their eyes were kept from recognizing him".

How often we do not see the one who is there with us?  Sometimes it is because we are not looking, but at other times we want so much to see Him, feel Him, be near to Him and yet our eyes are kept from really seeing how close He is.  Perhaps, sometimes when we do not see how near He is, there is a great purpose in the revealing moments and in the story of not seeing? Perhaps, our seeing Him more clearly is all part of His plan and is fully within His control and timing, to bring about His glory and His purposes?

I pictured an image of walking along a dusty road, alone.  Then, I saw Jesus there.  I stopped walking and looked into his eyes.  He spoke to me and reminded me of who He is and gave me a glimpse of understanding that His purposes were being carried out through the journey.  Then, I held his hand and we walked together.  I could not see ahead of me on the path, but He was with me.

He was there all the time. - I will never leave you or forsake you.  

That evening another beautiful picture came to mind.  Through an act of love, and a small thing, I was given a beautiful, heart wrenching image.  In this picture, God reminded me of His Fatherly love for me.  I began to really feel like a daughter to the most precious and amazing Father ever.  I heard him say,   I have so much more to show you and to give to you. I love you tenderly dear daughter.  Keep walking with me. I will reveal more to you.

In my heart, I really felt as if I had fallen into the arms of love and had been released of the heavy chains.  He reached for my hand and I was able to lift my eyes again with hope and expectation to the future of what He wants to show me and where He wants to take me.

By the end of Day Four, I sang. 

A bit of caution here...those who know me know....I...do...not...sing.

Well, that is, unless it is in front of an audience and really embarrassing...like at my wedding.  Or perhaps as a backup singer with the man who would become the next CEO of Dell Computers to a large room full of executives and Mr. Dell himself....or, as I did this evening, to a room full of women I am only beginning to know...dressed in black...to the tunes of Johnny Cash. Yep- sure did. I was excited too, despite fears, insecurities and only a few days before having been in an emotional place where I didn't want to be around anyone. ANYone.

Honestly, I am not one who jumps at the chance for the microphone! Yet, when it comes to my great God, something happens.  Sometimes the spirit's prompting is just too clear and sometimes I just do things He asks me to do.  Later I think, "I did what?!?"  You see, fears that hold us back from doing what God wants us to do can not occupy the frontal place of our mind when trust is put in Him and His Spirit takes over.

This four day journey came to a close and God had chosen to use it as the means to bring about healing and renewal in my spirit.  In the days prior to obediently going when and where God was leading me, I could hardly make it out of bed.  During the journey, he lifted my head and broke off the chains of the enemy.  Going forward, I walk on the dusty path holding His hand.

My arms will quite likely get tired again, but His hand will still be holding mine.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power of work within us,to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." - Ephesians 3:20,21 (emphasis mine)

Lyrical Living - Don't Give UP! - Help is on the way....

Lyrical Living (Click for more info) -
When words and/or music flow beautifully and speak to or from my heart.

Have you ever felt like the circumstances of life were weighing so heavily that it felt like literally...physically... you couldn't even take another step?   Yeah - maybe you are saying, "Been there. Done that. Got the T-Shirt...make that ten T-shirts...wait, make that the Platinum T-Shirt...no...no...I'm LIVING in the T-Shirt"!

Sometimes, the weights seem to pile on one after another. Maybe one gets lifted and a heavier one seems to be added. I've felt that way on many occasions...recently even...many times over. Then when I begin to think about the weight(s), I start criticizing myself for focusing on them and feeling sad, in despair, anxious etc, because I know that living in those emotions isn't the life God has for me. Then, my self-criticism can quickly turn into condemnation. Then - my mind reels some more and says, no condemnation!  My thoughts go from one thing to the next, and none of it is a healthy place to stay in.

In the heat of the battle, a spiritual battle taking place in the mind, constructive conviction sometimes gives way to destructive self-talk and self-condemnation.  Self-condemnation is a path Satan wants to take me on so I won't find the blessings God has for me in persevering. Constructive conviction can help me make changes that ultimately strengthen me and give glory to God.

This time your heart said it's had enough

Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up

You don't wanna move on just playing games

Praying hard somehow that your life will change

When you feel like you don't know what to do

Stuck inside this maze you can't go through 

Then, in some way I hear HIS voice again.  Maybe through a song on the radio, a call from someone who cares (even if the whispering voice tries to tell me that they don't), the smile of a child, or simply the still small voice of the Holy Spirit reminding me to seek the Father's face.  I am reminded of words treasured in my heart.  "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

That verse. It's so frequently quoted that it often loses meaning and impact.  Have you noticed the words before and after it? The Lord shares this verse of hope to his people after telling them they will endure many, many trials for many, many years! UGH!  Now, I KNOW my challenges aren't as bad as what the captured Israelites endured in Babylon!

His kind voice reminds me as I read further, "Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:12-13

By taking the time to focus on the truths of God and the words He has shared with the people whom he has loved, I can choose a different path for my thought pattern. I can remind myself that by calling on Him and praying to Him, He will hear me. Not only that, but I WILL FIND Him when I seek Him with all my heart. In this process, I can go from destructive self-talk to words of truth and promises.

Fear, sadness, anxiety and despair.  These feelings are real - but they are not the end! I have to remind myself of this. They do not have to become reality.

These walls around you are caving in

And your life seems like it is wearing thin

And your hope is drowning in despair

It looks like you're not going anywhere

Step inside this heart and then you'll see

Such a love that is so amazing.

These words were very real for me several months ago when I reached another point of feeling like I couldn't go any further.  God used this song to speak to me when I needed it most.  I had felt like I was pushing and pushing through and trusting God to provide, yet I just didn't have the strength to "do" anymore.  I reached a point where I couldn't listen to anymore of the Christian radio station and turned it off. My mind was going into unhealthy territory, right where the enemy wanted me to go. I felt extremely alone, unloved and incapable to persevere. 

It was silent in the vehicle, from the the radio not playing, for all of about 5 minutes.  But, the multiple children in the back continued their fighting and screaming at each other so loudly and unrelentingly that I turned the radio on FULL BLAST.  My intent was to change the atmosphere in a shocking way to get them to pause the fighting for a minute.  My little plan backfired.  Ahem...

Honestly, I don't recall what the children did next or if they even stopped fighting for the next week.  What I remember clearly - was HOW LOUD and exact the words were that played in my ear at the time I needed the reminder the most.

DON'T GIVE UP

Help is surely on its way

And don't give up

And the dark is breaking in to day

And just keep on moving through these storms 

And soon enough you'll find the door

Just don't give up

Oh, and don't give up

Yeah - really.  Don't give up. As simple, and hard, as that. I felt like God was reminding me to keep on going, to keep on trusting and to keep on praying and seeking him. I did not have the strength, but He provided in small ways that helped me get through.

Sometimes help comes in ways that we don't recognize, but it's there. Sometime it comes in the form of a bible verse we've heard many times over. Sometimes it comes in the form of a phone call or interruption at just the right time which causes a disruption of unhealthy thought patterns. Sometimes it's in the words of a sermon, or in a book, or from a friend and it encourages us and reminds us of God's truths and promises.

Help is surely on its way, but if we aren't looking for it we might miss it. By looking for it I mean preparing our hearts to receive what God has for us - even when we feel he has nothing for us or that what he has is something we don't want. When our hearts are turned to the Father and seeking Him and desiring His will, we are able to more clearly hear and recognize His voice over the din of life's circumstances. 

For me - in the above example - help came in a reminder not to give up.  Then, I had to begin to find ways to trade the thoughts of despair into hope.  The only way to do the that is by spending time in God's word, the Bible, and in prayer so that I could hear His voice and hear the truths which I needed to replace the many lying whispers. Not only that, I choose to focus my thoughts on those truths.

Finding hope - in seeking Him and His truths. Not giving up.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

("Don't Give Up" lyrics by Calling Glory)

Lyrical Living - "Kings & Queens" by Audio Adrenaline

Lyrical Living - When words and/or music flow beautifully and speak to or from my heart.

The beautiful lyrics of several songs have resonated deeply with me.  Over the last year one shared with me by my brother-in-law spoke of our journey to care for many children in foster care. The song was "Kings and Queens" by the new Audio Adrenaline.  How deeply it connected with me. To this tune I have cried and sung out loudly in praises and pleas.

Lyrical Living

My head and my heart are often full of thoughts and feelings that paint pictures in my mind.

Pictures. Words often turn into pictures.

Sometimes these pictures are beautiful and serene. Sometimes they are bits and pieces that begin to fit together like an intricate and beautiful puzzle. And sometimes...they are just pieces...waiting...to be put together...and to become a beautifully completed puzzle. Kind of like us...being fit together in the King's glorious puzzle.

With all of these images, it seems that the outlet for them is often inadequate. My mouth opens and the beautiful linking phrases and intentions come out in pitiful drops of words that fall dreadfully short of the feeling tied to them, the feelings that are resonating in my soul.