The Christmas Collective - Part IV: Redemption at Christmas

My heart trembles under the vice-like grip of change. A lot of change.

Its beating is somewhat irregular as it seeks to work out the patterns of new rhythms. 

There has been so much transition, loss and pain in the last two years.  Yet, there is also so, so much to be grateful for and so much that has been gained!  I am thankful for many things and I am also mindful that there is a continued healing process needed. I know it will continue to take time...His time. - I believe this and trust this oh so deeply, even though there are days when it seems I don't.

Messy Hope - A Mom's Confession

Sunday.

A day filled with praise, worship, fellowship and preaching.

It's an amazing time where the heart can be filled with the joy of the Lord.

It's also a day that can start off, or end, pretty darn miserable as the enemy seeks to steal joy and peace and the pursuit of fellowship with our Father.

Perhaps the fussy kids, clothes that don't fit, messes around you, car problems etc will cause you to not go or perhaps they will create an air of hypocrisy in and around you as you step out the door in anger and frustration.  You KNOW where your heart should be focused.  You WANT the joy and the smiles, but now you are angry and staying home seems like a MUCH BETTER plan!  Yeah, been there far too many times.

Yesterday though, my Sunday started off great.  I got to meet new visitors, I got to say "Hi" and visit with many people and I was blessed to give and receive numerous hugs.  Worship was AMAZING (as it usually is). The sermon was right on (as it usually is) and I was overflowing in joy, peace, love and hope.  

I even posted on the Facebook page about hope.

Hope is not about what we wish for or wishful thinking.

Hope, in Christ, is supernaturally amazing in so many ways.

May you be filled with the Hope of Christ. The Hope you have through the gift of His son.

"a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain"

- Hebrews 6:13-20 (v19)

I was feeling great! but....

My heart, my attitude, my actions - my hope - were all about to be tested.  Again

It really was a minor incident.  

Yet somehow it opened up deep emotions of pain, fear and anxiety and it came to the surface like a volcano erupting.  

I yelled, I cried, I pouted and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have.

I was ready to give up homeschooling, homemaking of all kind and everything I passionately pursue. Forget it.  All those happy homemakers can have it! I'm done!  It was far from a right attitude and it caused my precious children to feel sad, and my husband to wonder what to do with me.

I said I would need to get a job, outside the home.  I knew it wasn't even right to postulate such a thing in front of my children, whom I have cared for day in and day out their whole lives. Of course, wanting that which I said was far from the truth.  It was all senseless frustration. I love being at home, with them.

Then it came. The most heart wrenching words ever came out of my child's mouth as she hugged me.

"You have a job mom. Your job is to love us and care for us."

Heart officially pierced.  Crushed to pieces...and melted...reshaped...at the same time.

I was failing miserably and my child was now encouraging me!  Oh sweet, sweet children. I am SO SO sorry!

Then, I felt even worse because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. I knew it went against EVERYTHING I desired and longed for in my heart. 

One minute I was rejoicing in the Zeal of the Lord (more about that in a coming post). 

In the next, I was ruining what should have been a great evening with our children.  I failed in every way of my great desire to see Peace, Joy, and Love reign this year by creating family memories for The Christmas Collective.

Now is when Satan wants to let the spiral propel to even more devastating ends...by sulking in despair over failure. 

Instead, I cry and I seek forgiveness.  I ask the Father to remind me of the Hope I know of. 

I ask a friend to pray for and with me.

Hope has become messy and I long to see it clearly again. 

He reminds me that His mercies are new every morning, and I am so, so, so thankful.

He asks me to share this failure, so others can know they are not alone.  

He reminds me that HIS love is STEADFAST and NEVER CEASES!

I will HOPE IN HIM!

But this I call to mind,

And therefore I have hope. 

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; 

his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The is LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him"

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him."

- Lamentations 3:21-25 

As I go through my morning devotional routine, I see the verse of the day for my Bible app....

"Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you.

If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, 

then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father.

And this is the promise that he made to us - eternal life."

-1 John 2:24-25 

I am reminded of that which abides in me as a believer and follower of Christ. It is not lost, it is still there.

I am reminded of His promises.  I am reminded of eternal life - a life which is to come, where Joy reigns.

I am reminded of the Hope I have as I enter the inner places and worship the great High Priest.

So today I fight against the enemies continued attempts to GET and KEEP me down because of  failure, anxiety, guilt or condemnation.

Today I cry at the feet of my Lord and let His words cover me and renew my mind and my heart.  

Today I ask for forgiveness (again) and accept His mercies to start anew.

Today, my children (and my sweet husband) learn, again, that mom is not perfect and she too needs the Savior, desperately and daily.

Today - I am reminded that I am DEFINITELY not-so-perfect, but He STILL IS!

He lifts my head...I hold His hand

The lyrics of Meredith Andrews song resonate in my head.

Lift up your head

And throw off every chain

Lift up your eyes

To the One who doesn't change

Lift up your hands

The broken he will mend

So lift up your head

My hands had been lifted - time and time again -in praise, in thanks, in joy, in worship and in the storms.  I love to lift them up to my Lord.  But - after many storms, my hands were growing more and more weary.  He was speaking to me all the while.

     I could not throw off the chains.  - I can 

          I'd lift my eyes up and they would become cast down again. - I am watching you
 
               I cried at his feet. -  I will wipe away your tears

                    My hands covered my eyes. Tears rolled. I was desperate. - I AM

                         I was right where He wanted me to be...
                                       - You are here with Me

In the days prior to leaving, I could barely get out of bed. Packing seemed far off and something I couldn't even do in my thoughts. Everything within me felt weighed down by the chain around me.  It is one that I have worn before.  Maybe you have worn it too? It is truly heavy and it is often made link by link.

Guilt - Condemnation - Failure - Fear - Despair

All lies - I knew they were lies, yet the accuser kept whispering them to me.  The more I fought, the more deceptive and subtle the enemy became.  I started to listen more and as I did my resolve and my hope dwindled considerably.  The voice of God was becoming quieter and farther off.  I hated this. Knowing what I know and believing as I do, the feeling of darkness covering me made it easy to feel even worse. I should be rejoicing in the LORD! ...like I used to do.

Even so, He was there with me in the pain and the sadness and the darkness.  He kept reminding me so much of Him through His word, through prayer and through beautiful songs of praise and worship.

He said things to me over and over again.  I have not left you. I have not forsaken you. He kept telling me not to fear.

"It is the LORD who goes before you.
He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed."
- Deuteronomy 31:8

He reminded me - Keep your eyes fixed on me.

That song again, (Meredith Andrews)

Let us all fix our gaze

On the Author of our faith

From all else we turn away

For the joy that conquers shame

Joy?  Where had it gone? It was something longed for, but something just out of reach.

Then He did as He often does. Morning came and the Lord provided the mercies I needed for the new day.  He had made it clear that he wanted me to go. I needed to go. My trust was solely on Him.  It had to be.

So, I packed and I went.  

Day One meant heading straight into a place where memories would flood in and it meant facing painful circumstances.  He gave me the strength I needed for that day, and for each moment as they came. 

Towards the end of Day One, my Father gave me a gift.  The gift of an unexpected conversation. The gift of being the one to offer forgiveness when I did not know forgiveness was even sought. What a joyous gift it was!

When I first saw her, well over a year ago, I thought we could be friends.  I sought her eyes and hoped to meet, but our eyes never met and I shrugged it off.  At that time, I had a strong need and desire for new friends.  It was during the largest step of faith I had ever taken where I was plunged into a new community and unfamiliar territory.  I often felt alone.

Yet, during this time, the Lord helped me to take every moment, every need and every situation, to Him....and release it.  For the most part, releasing my worries and concerns in this particular journey was pretty easy. This alone was a miracle.  Let go? REALLY trust? Yeah - that wasn't how I operated most of the time. 

God has graciously given me many blessings through surrendered faith. Even so, every moment, large and small, left its imprint on my heart.  After many months, those imprints began to meld together and the enemy used these and other painful wounds as well as the whispers of  his lies to wear me down in every way possible.

When she came to me, and asked me to sit down with her, I was surprised. It was the first time we had spoken. For me, her imprint was small, quite small, considering the many, many other imprints over this journey.  Yet - her presence, her love, her humility and her heart-felt conversation with me that night - was large. Quite large.  

Often, my heart hurts greatly when I see or feel someone dishonoring God.  In the same way, when I see someone show great honor and love I am deeply moved and exhilarated.   Seeing a precious and beautiful daughter of our King, my sister-in-Christ, moved to tears and humbly asking for forgiveness gave me great, great joy.  Not because I felt it was needed or ever expected it, but because she is so precious in God's eyes and her act was so pleasing to Him that I couldn't help but rejoice!  What a gift!

So - in 24 hours - I had gone from a desperately low place in my spirit to a place of awe and wonder.  Yay God! Thank you!  In addition, I began to feel loved more deeply through her act, and through the brilliant smiles of a few friends I hadn't seen in several months.  Day One began a journey of healing.

Days Two, Three and Four were filled with more love and more large movements in my heart.  By trusting a dear friend, I agreed to attend a "Walk to Emmaus" event.  God would use this time to draw me oh so close in His embrace. Through this event, the people that were involved and the activities I participated in, God brought about a beautiful caressing and nurturing to my heart.

On Day Three the Lord began to give me beautiful images to revel in as He spoke to me of His love and His fellowship and His Fatherhood.

I pondered the story of Emmaus as recorded in the book of Luke.  As Cleopas and "the other" walked along the road to Emmaus with Jesus, they did not know that the one who joined them on their journey was the very one they longed for.   Luke 24:26 says "But their eyes were kept from recognizing him".

How often we do not see the one who is there with us?  Sometimes it is because we are not looking, but at other times we want so much to see Him, feel Him, be near to Him and yet our eyes are kept from really seeing how close He is.  Perhaps, sometimes when we do not see how near He is, there is a great purpose in the revealing moments and in the story of not seeing? Perhaps, our seeing Him more clearly is all part of His plan and is fully within His control and timing, to bring about His glory and His purposes?

I pictured an image of walking along a dusty road, alone.  Then, I saw Jesus there.  I stopped walking and looked into his eyes.  He spoke to me and reminded me of who He is and gave me a glimpse of understanding that His purposes were being carried out through the journey.  Then, I held his hand and we walked together.  I could not see ahead of me on the path, but He was with me.

He was there all the time. - I will never leave you or forsake you.  

That evening another beautiful picture came to mind.  Through an act of love, and a small thing, I was given a beautiful, heart wrenching image.  In this picture, God reminded me of His Fatherly love for me.  I began to really feel like a daughter to the most precious and amazing Father ever.  I heard him say,   I have so much more to show you and to give to you. I love you tenderly dear daughter.  Keep walking with me. I will reveal more to you.

In my heart, I really felt as if I had fallen into the arms of love and had been released of the heavy chains.  He reached for my hand and I was able to lift my eyes again with hope and expectation to the future of what He wants to show me and where He wants to take me.

By the end of Day Four, I sang. 

A bit of caution here...those who know me know....I...do...not...sing.

Well, that is, unless it is in front of an audience and really embarrassing...like at my wedding.  Or perhaps as a backup singer with the man who would become the next CEO of Dell Computers to a large room full of executives and Mr. Dell himself....or, as I did this evening, to a room full of women I am only beginning to know...dressed in black...to the tunes of Johnny Cash. Yep- sure did. I was excited too, despite fears, insecurities and only a few days before having been in an emotional place where I didn't want to be around anyone. ANYone.

Honestly, I am not one who jumps at the chance for the microphone! Yet, when it comes to my great God, something happens.  Sometimes the spirit's prompting is just too clear and sometimes I just do things He asks me to do.  Later I think, "I did what?!?"  You see, fears that hold us back from doing what God wants us to do can not occupy the frontal place of our mind when trust is put in Him and His Spirit takes over.

This four day journey came to a close and God had chosen to use it as the means to bring about healing and renewal in my spirit.  In the days prior to obediently going when and where God was leading me, I could hardly make it out of bed.  During the journey, he lifted my head and broke off the chains of the enemy.  Going forward, I walk on the dusty path holding His hand.

My arms will quite likely get tired again, but His hand will still be holding mine.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power of work within us,to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." - Ephesians 3:20,21 (emphasis mine)

Lyrical Living - Don't Give UP! - Help is on the way....

Lyrical Living (Click for more info) -
When words and/or music flow beautifully and speak to or from my heart.

Have you ever felt like the circumstances of life were weighing so heavily that it felt like literally...physically... you couldn't even take another step?   Yeah - maybe you are saying, "Been there. Done that. Got the T-Shirt...make that ten T-shirts...wait, make that the Platinum T-Shirt...no...no...I'm LIVING in the T-Shirt"!

Sometimes, the weights seem to pile on one after another. Maybe one gets lifted and a heavier one seems to be added. I've felt that way on many occasions...recently even...many times over. Then when I begin to think about the weight(s), I start criticizing myself for focusing on them and feeling sad, in despair, anxious etc, because I know that living in those emotions isn't the life God has for me. Then, my self-criticism can quickly turn into condemnation. Then - my mind reels some more and says, no condemnation!  My thoughts go from one thing to the next, and none of it is a healthy place to stay in.

In the heat of the battle, a spiritual battle taking place in the mind, constructive conviction sometimes gives way to destructive self-talk and self-condemnation.  Self-condemnation is a path Satan wants to take me on so I won't find the blessings God has for me in persevering. Constructive conviction can help me make changes that ultimately strengthen me and give glory to God.

This time your heart said it's had enough

Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up

You don't wanna move on just playing games

Praying hard somehow that your life will change

When you feel like you don't know what to do

Stuck inside this maze you can't go through 

Then, in some way I hear HIS voice again.  Maybe through a song on the radio, a call from someone who cares (even if the whispering voice tries to tell me that they don't), the smile of a child, or simply the still small voice of the Holy Spirit reminding me to seek the Father's face.  I am reminded of words treasured in my heart.  "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

That verse. It's so frequently quoted that it often loses meaning and impact.  Have you noticed the words before and after it? The Lord shares this verse of hope to his people after telling them they will endure many, many trials for many, many years! UGH!  Now, I KNOW my challenges aren't as bad as what the captured Israelites endured in Babylon!

His kind voice reminds me as I read further, "Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:12-13

By taking the time to focus on the truths of God and the words He has shared with the people whom he has loved, I can choose a different path for my thought pattern. I can remind myself that by calling on Him and praying to Him, He will hear me. Not only that, but I WILL FIND Him when I seek Him with all my heart. In this process, I can go from destructive self-talk to words of truth and promises.

Fear, sadness, anxiety and despair.  These feelings are real - but they are not the end! I have to remind myself of this. They do not have to become reality.

These walls around you are caving in

And your life seems like it is wearing thin

And your hope is drowning in despair

It looks like you're not going anywhere

Step inside this heart and then you'll see

Such a love that is so amazing.

These words were very real for me several months ago when I reached another point of feeling like I couldn't go any further.  God used this song to speak to me when I needed it most.  I had felt like I was pushing and pushing through and trusting God to provide, yet I just didn't have the strength to "do" anymore.  I reached a point where I couldn't listen to anymore of the Christian radio station and turned it off. My mind was going into unhealthy territory, right where the enemy wanted me to go. I felt extremely alone, unloved and incapable to persevere. 

It was silent in the vehicle, from the the radio not playing, for all of about 5 minutes.  But, the multiple children in the back continued their fighting and screaming at each other so loudly and unrelentingly that I turned the radio on FULL BLAST.  My intent was to change the atmosphere in a shocking way to get them to pause the fighting for a minute.  My little plan backfired.  Ahem...

Honestly, I don't recall what the children did next or if they even stopped fighting for the next week.  What I remember clearly - was HOW LOUD and exact the words were that played in my ear at the time I needed the reminder the most.

DON'T GIVE UP

Help is surely on its way

And don't give up

And the dark is breaking in to day

And just keep on moving through these storms 

And soon enough you'll find the door

Just don't give up

Oh, and don't give up

Yeah - really.  Don't give up. As simple, and hard, as that. I felt like God was reminding me to keep on going, to keep on trusting and to keep on praying and seeking him. I did not have the strength, but He provided in small ways that helped me get through.

Sometimes help comes in ways that we don't recognize, but it's there. Sometime it comes in the form of a bible verse we've heard many times over. Sometimes it comes in the form of a phone call or interruption at just the right time which causes a disruption of unhealthy thought patterns. Sometimes it's in the words of a sermon, or in a book, or from a friend and it encourages us and reminds us of God's truths and promises.

Help is surely on its way, but if we aren't looking for it we might miss it. By looking for it I mean preparing our hearts to receive what God has for us - even when we feel he has nothing for us or that what he has is something we don't want. When our hearts are turned to the Father and seeking Him and desiring His will, we are able to more clearly hear and recognize His voice over the din of life's circumstances. 

For me - in the above example - help came in a reminder not to give up.  Then, I had to begin to find ways to trade the thoughts of despair into hope.  The only way to do the that is by spending time in God's word, the Bible, and in prayer so that I could hear His voice and hear the truths which I needed to replace the many lying whispers. Not only that, I choose to focus my thoughts on those truths.

Finding hope - in seeking Him and His truths. Not giving up.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

("Don't Give Up" lyrics by Calling Glory)

One Heart. Many, many pieces. The tearing of eyes & the tearing of aheart.

A Wife
     Adoring Comforted Delighted Thankful
     Hurting Wondering Wishing
     Clinging Hoping Loving

A Mother
     Rejoicing Caring Praising Joyful
     Grieving Torn Wanting
     Clinging Hoping Loving

A Woman
     Believing Soaking Receiving Trusting
     Conflicted Wounded Weeping
     Clinging Hoping Loving

Today has been one of those "feel like your heart was banged up against your chest" kind of days.  For years I had thought of myself as being one of those women who don't cry much.  For years I simply did not easily tear up. At least, I thought I didn't. These last few years though have put me FAR into the realm of feeling deeply and experiencing many, many emotions more significantly. Today was simply RACKED FULL with raw emotions on various spectrums, like all...over...the...place.

Our day began with the most amazing experience.  We saw a 14 year old get baptized.  A 14 year old boy whom we saw go from utter despair to amazing hope. A boy whom we loved and shared the hope and love of Jesus with. This boy is the oldest of the sibling group of five children that we cared for for 15 months.

 Due to a number of circumstances, we were not able to keep caring for the sibling group and let me tell you....that alone tore me up inside!  I love these children - deeply. I wanted to be there for them through all their triumphs. When these precious children first came to us, caring for them was extremely challenging. There were many struggles and battles to be fought and much, much love and forbearance required. We went through it. I wanted to be a part of the joy filled life on the other side. Ultimately, we were not to continue in our role.  It was something that was clearly directed by God.  We had to trust in Him in yet another new and deeper level.  Then He brought these children to a loving Christian home about 30-40 minutes away from us.  The way God worked out the details was simply a miracle.

Today - we got to watch this child be baptized and take that bold step to let all know that HE is going to FOLLOW JESUS and TRUST HIM! For this, I was overjoyed!

Today - we also sat by him.  We were there as, well...we'll always feel like parents to him...yet...we aren't.  So we were there as people who will always love and care for him but on the outside of his immediate family. That was tough for me.  He is now in the care of another home. Another set of parents. So are his siblings. I miss them. Part of me longs to be mom to them, but I can't and I'm not supposed to be. For this I am sad and conflicted.

That...tears...a...heart.