The family photo I didn't send

Do you do family photos for your Christmas card?  I have gotten some great ones this year! I usually do.  I have creative and gifted friends.  They plan ahead.  They get all crafty with bows and stuff. Their family looks cute, lovable and color coordinated.  In fact, I think some must have their own studio setup and some might be stepping off the pages of award-winning picture books or popular Pinterest posts.


Honestly - I LOVE getting family photos from friends and family. The simple, the clever and the cute.  I love them all.  Every year I look forward to ones from dear friends in my childhood whom I rarely ever talk to now, but will always love dearly.

We did photos for years. Not all crafty and amazing like, but let's face it, just getting the family together, and then the photo printed and mailed out, that was a feat in and of itself. Getting it done BEFORE Christmas was a miracle, and it was rare. At least for me. 

In an effort to get it done each year, reminders could be found all throughout the house and on my computer starting in October or November. "FAMILY PHOTO". "Don't forget Jo!"  Ahhhh...my family know I'm unfortunately notorious for forgetting to do things, like call, on special days. Sigh. But I don't give up trying.

Sometimes my reminders are invisible to everyone else in the house. You see, I have this really cool technique of writing on the wall with my finger when I need to remind myself of something. It's like a secret message in the greatest invisible ink ever. I started this in my school years when I laid in bed and needed to remember something for the next day but didn't feel like getting up to write it down. I used my fingers - and wrote it on the wall. It's awesome I tell you; having your own secret messages on the walls.

Yet, no matter how many reminders I put out there - it was always at the last minute that we would get a photo to happen. One time I had to wake up my youngest two from a nap. They weren't too happy, and it showed. One year it didn't happen at all so I used a summer photo from our time at the beach and that was all cool like, "Hey, we did this really cool thing and got a family photo planned so far in advance I managed to pull it off in June!." When really I didn't have a newer one to use. Well, maybe I actually did plan that one that far in advance? Whatever. I don't remember for sure.

At one point I discovered boxes.  Card layouts with boxes so you could include several photos. I could put pics of the kids in different boxes and we didn't really all have to be in the same photo! Wouldn't that be easier to pull off?! Hmmmm....I THOUGHT about doing that this year, but I didn't. 

Honestly, I wish I had done a family photo this year but my brain couldn't get wrapped around the whole idea. For one, it was daunting to consider this task when there was no way to get all the kids together.  I could have collected individual photos of the kids that aren't with me, but didn't. I had thoughts of gathering up photos of our children, but my heart stopped short when I realized how many children's faces I wanted to include. How many faces weren't with me anymore. 

At this, I am momentarily suspended in memories. My chest breathes deeply. My heart swells and constricts with overwhelming waves of love and grief. I picture every face of those precious children who aren't near me physically. The ones I bore and the ones I didn't. The many I have been blessed to love. The many who have called me mom. Even ones who never did.

There are two in the home now, but TWENTY-ONE (and more) in my heart.  How do you put all that in a family photo? Even if I tried, I'd have to protect the faces and identities of many of them.

Yes. TWENTY-ONE children. No, I'm not a Duggar. Not even close. And if I'm honest...I don't want to be. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the children I have cared for and wouldn't change that for the world. I LOVE that we had the opportunity to serve as we did. But God knows how He made me, and the purposes He has for me...and they look different from anyone else's. And definitely different than the Duggars. In fact, His plans for my future look different than the plans He has had for me in the past.  I trust that, am thankful HE KNOWS what is best for me and I go with it 

People will always ask, "How many children do you have?"  Seems simple doesn't it?  Not to me. When I get asked that, there is a lump in my throat. I can't swallow the question and I struggle to spit out an answer. Do I say twenty-one?

I used to say five.  The words come out as five and my mind thinks of all that means. I have my four bio and a step-son. My husband adopted my first two bio children that I had before he and I met. We are a blended family of yours, mine and ours. But, no one really wants to know all that when they ask the question though, do they?

So, we have our five, but truthfully there are more. Many more.

There is the teenage boy who lived with us for 8 months and who will always call us mom and dad. There are the thirteen foster children we took care of in a span of fifteen months. There are my two babies in heaven. That's twenty-one children.

In fact, in my heart there are even more.  There's also the little girl in India that I dream of as my own.  There are several precious children I almost took in to foster, some whom I met and would have loved to have adopted, and some whom I only know by their stories and their great need for a loving and safe home. I would have taken all of them in and almost got the chance to, twice, but the opportunity didn't happen.  All of these I am burdened to continue praying for.  They never called me mom, but they have the place of a child in my heart.  That's at least thirty-three children that take residence in this wild heart of mine.

But how many people really want all THAT detail in reply to a question that seems so simple, so basic, so undemanding as, "How many children do you have?"

I will give you the answer here that you probably won't get from me if you ask me elsewhere. Though it will be running through my mind. 

"How many children do you have?" Thirty-three and counting.  Five...twenty-one...thirty-three...

If I could fit ALL THAT into a family photo, I would!  

And yet...really...I have none.  A picture of me as mom with arms of love around all of these children pauses...and is repainted. 

My heart has learned that it is not I who have any of them.

Here or not here, they are not mine. None of them belong to me.

They ALL belong to Him.

This reality hits hard when you are faced with things in life that are out of your control.  When your child dies and you don't get to hold them. When your heart yearns to care for a child who is not yours but needs the love, safety and provision you want to offer them. When you take in foster children who leave. When you take in a homeless child who goes back with his mom. When your son turns 17 and won't stay...when these things happen...you realize...they were never really yours in the first place.  They always were, and always are, His.

While they are not in my arms, the arms of my Father remain around them. I seek peace and freedom in that. I must.

While I cannot collect all the photos and show you the many precious faces in my mind and heart...He sees them all and puts together the most beautiful pictures in His time.  What a glorious picture he must see!

They are all precious, every one. They are loved and prayed for even when I don't see them, talk to them or know where they are.

This mama's heart, seeks the heart of her Father. As I reflect with joy and sadness over all the children I have loved and still love, but cannot reach out and hold, I take my yearnings and my longings to Him. They are His. He reminds me that He is Father to them as He is Father to me. I pray they know this and cherish this. When a mama's arms feel empty, His remain full.

I smile. I cry. I kneel my heart.

I don't even have a picture for all the faces I love. But He knows. He gives me a sweet picture, a beautiful (and large) collage in my mind, of smiling faces and keeps telling me how much He loves them and that His watchful, caring eyes are still upon them when mine cannot be.  He encourages me to keep praying, keep loving, keep believing, keep seeking Him.

So I don't have a family photo to share with you, but it is imprinted in my mind and heart.

If you do not have the family photo you desired, yours is written on your heart too.  Your Father in heaven knows your heart of love that expands beyond that which others can see.  He knows your longing to hold and care for the child (ren) who is (are) not there with you.  Or your heart to have your children know your love when there are obstacles preventing that vision. 

He loves them. They are His. Trust Him.

Dear Father - thank you for loving these children more than I ever could.  Help my heart to rest in that and to be comforted when their absence overwhelms me. May they know they are Yours, wherever they are. Thank you for the best family photo ever - the one where you are Father and all who call you daddy are smiling with you.

Every child, every day, every step of faith, is a journey in trusting the Lord. Thank you.

(This is a picture of my dad trying to get the kids in a single photo from where he sat. 

Some are our kids and some are nieces and nephews. This is far from everyone!

We had gathered in Branson, MO 

for Christmas in 2012 to celebrate my parents 50th Anniversary.)

The Christmas Collective - Part IV: Redemption at Christmas

My heart trembles under the vice-like grip of change. A lot of change.

Its beating is somewhat irregular as it seeks to work out the patterns of new rhythms. 

There has been so much transition, loss and pain in the last two years.  Yet, there is also so, so much to be grateful for and so much that has been gained!  I am thankful for many things and I am also mindful that there is a continued healing process needed. I know it will continue to take time...His time. - I believe this and trust this oh so deeply, even though there are days when it seems I don't.

The Christmas Collective - Part III : The Zeal of the LORD!

"To us a child is born, to us a son is given,

 and the government shall be upon his shoulders.

And His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, 

Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  

Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end.  

On the throne of David and over his kingdom, 

to establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness

 from this time forth and forevermore. 

The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this."- Isaiah 9:6-7

This prophetic scripture is often quoted and used at this time of year, at Christmas time.  It is easy to read through this quickly.  We often do. Because some of us have heard it over and over again, it can carry little meaning.

Personally, I can hear Linus saying these words. Ok, maybe he was quoting from Luke 6. I can't recall for sure because we lost our DVD copy. I can hear him saying it anyway.  There's something calm and delightful about that part of the movie which has always warmed my heart.  However...

This year...I am pondering the words more slowly, more deeply and my heart swells with wonder, awe and love.

Dwell here with me. 

Ponder for a few minutes.

As I read, I am drawn to read again and again, while finding great emphasis on different words and sections each time.

Will you try it with me? 

"TO US a child is born, TO us a son is given"

or

"To US a child is born, To US a son is given"

Or

"To us a CHILD is born, to us a SON is given"

Or

"To us a child is BORN, to us a son is GIVEN"

Do you see what I mean?

TO US A CHILD IS BORN, TO US A SON IS GIVEN... 

and it continues!

There is SO much richness in this passage!  I could probably write pages, or several posts, on just these two verses! In fact, I would guess that other writers have written much about them!

We are given a gift like no other, that nothing else can compare to! - Entrusted to this world as a baby!

"The government will be on his shoulders" - not mine. HIS.  - Whew! Thank goodness!

He can't even be called by only one name. These four are just a teaser, an entry, into the vastness that is our God. -  Even each word in each name is amazing.  Wonderful. Counselor. Mighty. God.

Of the increase of HIS government and of HIS PEACE there will be NO END!  - Can I get an Amen?!

It is ESTABLISHED and UPHELD by our great God! So mighty and strong is He!

Today - there is one part of these verses that grabs my heart even more and shakes it vehemently.  I feel like bursting with joy and wonder as I think of Him. 

The ZEAL of the Lord!  

Consider what his ZEAL must be like! POWERFUL!

ZEAL - as defined by Websters'  "eagerness and ardent interest in pursuit of something"

Can you imagine our omnipotent God - acting with Zeal - to accomplish what he said?!

He didn't just say, "Oh looky there. I made man and now he has messed it all up. I guess I have to do something so he can still be in my Holy presence."

NO! He had a plan!  He knew his creation would not be able to be Holy in his presence without His great act of love, and without His redemption.  Though there is and has been pain and suffering along the way, this just and righteous act of working out His plan of salvation and sanctification ushers us into the most amazing relationship ever. 

With EAGERNESS and ARDENT INTEREST in PURSUIT He will accomplish it! - Again, can I get an AMEN!

He acted with ZEAL to give us the gift of His son - Jesus.

He acted with ZEAL to fulfill the statistically impossible prophecies.

He acted with ZEAL to establish His Kingdom and

He acts with ZEAL to uphold it!

He acts with ZEAL in justice and righteousness.

He acts with ZEAL to bring about salvation and redemption.

He acts with ZEAL to bring us into His presence!

YES! The ZEAL of The Lord of Hosts (ESV) 

Or, The ZEAL of The Lord Almighty (NIV).

He acts with ZEAL to bring about His glorious purposes through the Savior, through the baby Jesus.  The baby who lived a perfect life, and who later died as payment for OUR sins, but was resurrected!  This baby whose birth we celebrate at Christmas!  This is powerful stuff! 

   Go ahead! Get up. do a dance, a little jig!  Smile! 

Jump up and shout praises!

I dare you!  I'll do it to! (Probably when no one is looking.)

In fact, I NEED to do it.

Can you imagine it?  REALLY?

Whatever you can imagine, multiply it!

In fact - how about reading Priscilla Shirer's monologue of WHO HE IS - out loud. 

VERY LOUDLY?!?  Would you? Could you?

Who is He and Whose are You? (Scroll down)

Isaiah 9:7 also tells us this will continue "from this time forth and forevermore."  It's not going to stop!  He will continue to act with ZEAL to accomplish the work He has put in place.

LORD - You are ZEALOUS in your pursuit to accomplish what you desire.  What you have begun, what you have planned, you WILL complete!

At times I have felt that God was powerful and mighty to move, in fact, to act with ZEAL...in other people's lives.

Too often, I have doubted that he would move mightily in my own.  The enemy wants me to doubt, to fear and to cower in a corner, and to refrain from requesting the Lord's help. His Word tells me...

Be not dismayed! The Lord is with you!

"you whom I took from the ends of the earth,

and called from its farthest corners,

saying to you, "You are my servant,

I have chosen you and not cast you off";

fear not, for I am with you; 

be not dismayed, for I am your God; 

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

- Isaiah 41:9-10

Our Father is zealous in His work.  He HAS and He WILL accomplish what He sets forth to do!

When the enemy starts whispering lies and tempting you away from honoring the Lord, turn away and seek the Lord.

Be reminded, as I too remind myself, He IS working in your life.

He has worked with Zeal to bring about the redemptive work of Christ. He will work with ZEAL to do what He says He will do, and what will bring about His purposes forevermore.

May we rejoice in His Zeal as we celebrate the birth of Christ.

Other posts in The Christmas Collective series...

• Ushering in Something New
• Confessions of a Collector
• The Christmas Collective
• The Christmas Collective - Part II: Tradition!
• coming soon....The Christmas Collective - Part IV: Redemption

Messy Hope - A Mom's Confession

Sunday.

A day filled with praise, worship, fellowship and preaching.

It's an amazing time where the heart can be filled with the joy of the Lord.

It's also a day that can start off, or end, pretty darn miserable as the enemy seeks to steal joy and peace and the pursuit of fellowship with our Father.

Perhaps the fussy kids, clothes that don't fit, messes around you, car problems etc will cause you to not go or perhaps they will create an air of hypocrisy in and around you as you step out the door in anger and frustration.  You KNOW where your heart should be focused.  You WANT the joy and the smiles, but now you are angry and staying home seems like a MUCH BETTER plan!  Yeah, been there far too many times.

Yesterday though, my Sunday started off great.  I got to meet new visitors, I got to say "Hi" and visit with many people and I was blessed to give and receive numerous hugs.  Worship was AMAZING (as it usually is). The sermon was right on (as it usually is) and I was overflowing in joy, peace, love and hope.  

I even posted on the Facebook page about hope.

Hope is not about what we wish for or wishful thinking.

Hope, in Christ, is supernaturally amazing in so many ways.

May you be filled with the Hope of Christ. The Hope you have through the gift of His son.

"a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain"

- Hebrews 6:13-20 (v19)

I was feeling great! but....

My heart, my attitude, my actions - my hope - were all about to be tested.  Again

It really was a minor incident.  

Yet somehow it opened up deep emotions of pain, fear and anxiety and it came to the surface like a volcano erupting.  

I yelled, I cried, I pouted and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have.

I was ready to give up homeschooling, homemaking of all kind and everything I passionately pursue. Forget it.  All those happy homemakers can have it! I'm done!  It was far from a right attitude and it caused my precious children to feel sad, and my husband to wonder what to do with me.

I said I would need to get a job, outside the home.  I knew it wasn't even right to postulate such a thing in front of my children, whom I have cared for day in and day out their whole lives. Of course, wanting that which I said was far from the truth.  It was all senseless frustration. I love being at home, with them.

Then it came. The most heart wrenching words ever came out of my child's mouth as she hugged me.

"You have a job mom. Your job is to love us and care for us."

Heart officially pierced.  Crushed to pieces...and melted...reshaped...at the same time.

I was failing miserably and my child was now encouraging me!  Oh sweet, sweet children. I am SO SO sorry!

Then, I felt even worse because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. I knew it went against EVERYTHING I desired and longed for in my heart. 

One minute I was rejoicing in the Zeal of the Lord (more about that in a coming post). 

In the next, I was ruining what should have been a great evening with our children.  I failed in every way of my great desire to see Peace, Joy, and Love reign this year by creating family memories for The Christmas Collective.

Now is when Satan wants to let the spiral propel to even more devastating ends...by sulking in despair over failure. 

Instead, I cry and I seek forgiveness.  I ask the Father to remind me of the Hope I know of. 

I ask a friend to pray for and with me.

Hope has become messy and I long to see it clearly again. 

He reminds me that His mercies are new every morning, and I am so, so, so thankful.

He asks me to share this failure, so others can know they are not alone.  

He reminds me that HIS love is STEADFAST and NEVER CEASES!

I will HOPE IN HIM!

But this I call to mind,

And therefore I have hope. 

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; 

his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The is LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him"

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him."

- Lamentations 3:21-25 

As I go through my morning devotional routine, I see the verse of the day for my Bible app....

"Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you.

If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, 

then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father.

And this is the promise that he made to us - eternal life."

-1 John 2:24-25 

I am reminded of that which abides in me as a believer and follower of Christ. It is not lost, it is still there.

I am reminded of His promises.  I am reminded of eternal life - a life which is to come, where Joy reigns.

I am reminded of the Hope I have as I enter the inner places and worship the great High Priest.

So today I fight against the enemies continued attempts to GET and KEEP me down because of  failure, anxiety, guilt or condemnation.

Today I cry at the feet of my Lord and let His words cover me and renew my mind and my heart.  

Today I ask for forgiveness (again) and accept His mercies to start anew.

Today, my children (and my sweet husband) learn, again, that mom is not perfect and she too needs the Savior, desperately and daily.

Today - I am reminded that I am DEFINITELY not-so-perfect, but He STILL IS!

Book Review: The War on Christmas

The War on Christmas: Battles in Faith, Tradition, and Religious Expression

General Editor: Bodie Hodge

In my series on the Christmas Collective, I recently wrote about Christmas traditions as they play out in our homes.  Some of our traditional activities and decorations are similar to those that others participate in because of all that we've come to identify with "Christmas" time.  What about those things? The Christmas tree? The nativity? The star? The Wise Men?

As we choose what to participate in and what to decorate with, it becomes more and more noticeable, that there is a growing displacement of CHRIST at Christmas.  Some of us seek to find our own ways to reconcile the fact that as Christians, we believe this holiday is, and should be, about HIM.  Even so, it is easy to relinquish much of our own celebrations to activities that either directly oppose God or that neglect to point to Christ.  So often we will engage in busyness while neglecting time with our Father to thank Him for the baby born for our salvation.  

Can we look to Christmastime, and all that it brings, and engage in discussions that point to the glory of Christ?  Not in a legalistic way, but out of the overflow of hearts who are seeking the baby King and minds that are centered on Christ over the HOLYdays?  I pray that we may we find opportunities to discuss the reason for the season. A great way to do so is with this new book by Master Books.

The War on Christmas is a beautifully done book with a pleasing layout, simple chapters and content that is just enough to prompt discussions with friends, or family.  Perhaps you forgot to start an Advent reading this year (ahem), and maybe you just want to read something short to prompt consideration for Christ at Christmas, then consider this non-Advent book as an alternative.

Each chapter is short (3-5 pages with interspersed pictures.)  As such, the information in each chapter is light and provides brief, but concise and pointed, coverage.  Personally, I enjoyed the aspect of this simple concept presentation for the most part. When I first saw the title though, I thought the book might be a long and in-depth book on Christmas history and expression, which it is not, really.  There is, however, an in-depth perspective which becomes clearer when the book is read in its entirety. 

Some of the topics include: Christmas origins (name, timeline of events, what is it about?), Confusion and Misconceptions (X stands for Christ, Three Kings?), About Baby Jesus, How Christmas Came to Be (Star, Virgin Birth, Real Nativity) and War on Christmas (Winter Time Worship, Getting Rid of Christ).

For me, I was especially excited to see the chapter on whether or not Christmas has pagan roots.  I have some sweet friends who do not celebrate Christmas, and I respect their decision not to do so.  In considering why some do not participate, out of a love for Jesus, I was excited to have this book waiting for me to review.  It provided insights and helped me identify points I knew in my heart but couldn't clarify. Some of these I will include in an upcoming post - Christmas Collection - Part III: Redemption.  

Throughout the book there is a building theme and building argument for the importance of Christ, not only at Christmas, but in entirety, as the whole of scripture points to Him. In addition, the book concludes by sharing why our views on the creation account, in the beginning - Genesis, are so vitally important to the shaping of our belief in the gospel and ultimately who Christ is, as the second Adam, and our need for Him.  

Ultimately - The War on Christmas is a beautiful book with a simple presentation of numerous topics surrounding Christmas celebrations and Christ. The whole of the book points to creation, and to Christ, and to the gospel. 

It is not an overwhelming book on facts and details, and as such, it should be one that is easy to pick up and read for a few minutes and then pick up again later.  I truly hope that families and friends will take time to discuss the content, and seek scripture for further depth and knowledge.

The Christmas Collective - Part II: Tradition!

After recovering from Thanksgiving Day food overload, many of us are really beginning to soak in all that Christmastime brings.  The music and movies, the decorations and lights, the parties and events, the crafts and the great array of sweet treats and yummy foods...aahhh....  Many of these bring great joy and anticipation.

For those of us who look to CHRIST at Christmas time, we are reminded of a baby born, in humble and low circumstances.  We are reminded that through this birth and the following death and resurrection, we are given so, so much.  Thus, we are prompted to give in return.

For some, every moment of the holiday season is relished and looked forward to. They...we...even want to get the season started early.

Then there are many who find it all less than desirable. It may remind them of tragic and challenging circumstances, or the loss of someone special.  Or, it may be a reminder that they do not have "that someone special" to spend this time with, or the money with which to give to others.  For some, Christmas is too commercialized or has roots in celebrations that they don't want to be a part of, and so they choose not to participate at all.

What feelings do you have around the Christmas season? What does it mean to you?

For me, this is a mostly positive time as I reflect on many beautiful memories created over the years.  Most of these memories center more around traditions and pleasant times with loved ones and less about any gift I ever received.   

Except the violin in the closet mom, I remember that one well. How could I forget? The year I received my violin I also received all of my presents wrapped in the most amazing violin wrapping paper. It also began the annual gift, in said wrapping paper...for over 25 years.  It's the paper that never ends. It goes on and on my friends.

Anyway...
 

Looking back, I remember our school Christmas programs and our Christmas Eve services at church followed by a special present opening at home, which was always an ornament.

I remember dad buying the specially shaped ice cream treats; either Santa, a snowman or a Christmas tree. It was a one time purchase, just before Christmas.  I loved it.  I didn't care about artificial colorings then.

I remember my mom and her hidden gifts. She would buy them throughout the year and hide them in various places. You know, because we wouldn't do everything we could to find them anyway.  Inevitably on Christmas morning she would tell us, "Oh! I forgot one!" and leave the room.  Or, we'd find out about a missing gift a few days, months, or years later.  Of course, she'd forgotten where she stashed it.  

Gifts were also often without name tags. Sometimes, a gift would be handed to the wrong person. We'd open it and wonder, "Ummmmm...."   Then mom would laugh and sigh. Then we'd hand it over....

Years later, I would I take after her in so many ways.  Thankfully, we are both not-so-perfect.  

I thank my parents for all they did to make these times memorable.  Thanks to their efforts, and even the mishaps, there are many treasured memories in my heart that bring joy upon remembrance.

I've longed to follow my parents footsteps in my own home. I began creating our family traditions as a single mom. Then I married someone whose childhood was far, far different than mine.  His memories were different, and his traditions, or lack thereof, were far different. This caused some problems in the beginning as tradition meant a lot to me, and not so much to him.

Sometimes, in order to carry out the traditions I wanted, I have forced things to happen and brought more stress and tension in the home. Like making sure there are "enough" presents when we couldn't afford it.  

In other ways, the effort I put into carrying on Christmas traditions with my children has brought about positive experiences and fond memories for them as it used to for me. Like the ornament gifts on Christmas Eve, the stockings before presents on Christmas morning and...the opening of...ONE...gift...at...a...time! 

While traditions have meant so much to me, I recall the ways this has played out in our family.  I have this image of  Tevye (the papa in Fiddler on the Roof) as he cries out "Tradition!".  Because of it's importance, I would let frustration, anger and bitterness creep in and demand for "Tradition!"


In my heart, what I longed for was that things would stay the same; that they would be like my childhood.  I have longed to keep those feelings of safety and love and comfort. I want to share them and pass them on.

Last year though, Christmastime was far different. I was in the throes of helping to raise children who were not able to be with the ones they missed and loved.  They were not able to be loved and cared for and kept safe by their parents.  They didn't have loving family memories that were anything like mine.

All around me I was reminded of the pain brought on by selfishness, drugs, alcohol, anger and mental illnesses.  I was reminded of how many children who, while they would enjoy nice gifts, also need love, safety, comfort and family.

We loved our precious foster children dearly. We did what we could to make their time memorable and enjoyable.  We tried to give them new parameters for what Christmas could like in a home filled with love.  We gave them gifts, but we also gave them Christ by sharing the hope and the life that Jesus offers. 

Since then, so much has changed.  Our family dynamics, our finances and even our hearts. 

So what of tradition?  It looks different now.

The warm and comforting feelings of tradition are still treasured and desired when they can or do occur. We desire that these new traditions will be centered on the heart of God, not the heart of man. They gives us just a glimpse and a sweet reminder of the love of our Father. Ultimately, the feeling of peace comes through trusting in a great and good God, no matter what the circumstances are. This peace is at the root of the warm feelings, not the traditions themselves. 

My heart is ever more aware of the great wealth found in the gift of Jesus alone.  In this I rest, and have the gift of peace and joy.  

Traditions can be a way to share the love of Christ to others, but it begins with the heart and is determined in the focus.  In years past, as I tried to set traditions in place my heart wasn't always focused on Him, but more on me. Doing so kept me from experiencing the gift of peace He wanted to give me. 

This year I look forward to starting traditions centered on Christ and filled with the overflow of all that He has given me.  I look forward to seeking Him above the "things" and even above the expectations of what Christmastime should look like or be like.  In doing so, His peace is revealed. His joy is given. 

Even as I write this, I have just realized that we may have lost our history of ornament collecting in our move back home. I am sad, but the words I write remind my own heart that I have the memories, but most importantly, I have His peace and will not let the enemy steal my joy. 

This year I have a new level of peace and a revised focus.  We have been given so much to enjoy. We are blessed to have our home, our family, our friends and our community. So many do not have these. The only constant available to all of us, and in all, is Christ. 

Thankfulness for all that we already have invades my mind and all that gets planned.

This year we can't even begin to afford the plethora of gifts under the tree.  This year we don't even want it.  

This year we are more dedicated to focusing on the gifts of Jesus and our gifts to Him. 
 
This year, we look forward to enjoying what we already have and to spending time together.  We also remind ourselves to let disruptions run their course and then let it go.  In doing so, this year, we are creating and collecting memories filled with peace and love.

This year new traditions will be formed...out of hearts that continue to be transformed. 

What do your traditions look like?

Do you have a new tradition you would like to start?

ALSO IN THE SERIES, "THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE":

• Ushering in Something New
• Confessions of a Collector
• The Christmas Collective 
• The Christmas Collective - Part III: The Zeal of the Lord
• The Christmas Collective - Part IV: Redemption
• BOOK REVIEW : The War on Christmas : Battles in Faith, Tradition and Religious Expression 

POST SHARED ON "A WISE WOMAN BUILDS HER HOME" for Wednesday LinkUp.

The Christmas Collective

THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE

The Christmas Collective - is a Collection of memories.

 The Christmas Collective - is about giving from what you've been given.

The Christmas Collective - is about peace, joy and love.

For most of my life I have sought to collect "things" in some way. (Confessions of a Collector)  Much of the kind of collecting I have engaged in has been out of a childish state of obsession, indecisiveness, and selfishness.  Then, at Christmas time, my collective tendencies become all about getting the right gifts at the best prices so that I can give my children a Christmas to remember - based on the amazement of waking up to a tree full of presents.  I have done things because I felt I had to and because it is just "what you do."  My motivation was more out of compulsion and less out of love.

Every Christmas seems to get crazier.  We fill our calendars with activities, parties, travel and shopping. This leads to feelings of craziness, and exhaustion.  Yesterday, I overhead my friend say, "Since December is always insane..." Oh, how true! This pierced through the heart!  Insane?!  Lord - that is not what you desire!   Yet, that is what happens.

Busyness replaces peace.  Desires replace contentment.  Everywhere we go "Happy Holidays" replaces "Merry Christmas" and more and more all the glitter, trinkets and Santa "stuff" replace Jesus.  There seems to be little of Him to be found. 

Ultimately, stress, stuff and debt replace in our hearts the joy and peace He came to bring.

Surely, it doesn't have to be this way.

This year as the Christmas season is ushered in, I desire something different.  As I find this new child-like state settling over me, I find myself with such comfort and satisfaction in all that I already have, and in all that has already been given to me.  It is a state of knowing that all I have need of is taken care of, because I belong to Him. My children are in a similar state (for the most part).  They are thankful to have what they have and to be loved and secure as part of our family. 

This year is a great year for The Christmas Collective.

I have been given joy and peace.  I have been given unconditional love. Out of the overflow of these gifts, I give to my family this year.  Out of this giving, I can collect - something different.

Instead of collecting sales ads, purchases, stress and debt, which we cannot afford to do anyway, we will collect memories together.

Instead of fretting over the things that don't get done or getting angry over the hiccups that cause us to be late, or miss out on, an event, we will take a deep breath and "let it go".

Instead of expecting things to be "just right", we will anticipate that many things will be not-so-perfect.

What can we give? What does the Christmas Collective look like?

It looks like patience through calm, kind and respectful responses, especially to my husband and children, as well as to the rude man who cuts me off on the highway or the impatient woman in the check-out lane. It means that when someone acts in rude and selfish ways and my own anger and frustration is triggered, I will take a deep breath and seek to respond in ways that point to Jesus.

And when my response is not what it should be, It looks like humbly asking for forgiveness.

It looks like smiles and laughter as time is enjoyed together.  It means that when my children (and my spouse and I) act childishly immature, it looks like taking a moment to reset our focus and priorities.  In doing so, it looks like pointing to Jesus so that our hearts may be drawn closer to Him and closer to each other.

It doesn't look like a complete dismissal of everything to do with Santa, elves, reindeer and snowmen or setting our faces in a frown against it all.  We will still watch Christmas classic films together and we will enjoy them.  But we will not be focused on them.  It looks like enjoying stories for what they are and putting them in perspective.

As my family sees me smile and laugh through the not-so-perfect moments, and as they do so as well, it looks like healing from past wounds of the more than not-so-perfect attitudes of the past.

It looks like giving and collecting memories out of peace and joyand love. 

We will take time to go places, to create and to just have fun being together..and we will enjoy the process along the way. 

Our plans to go somewhere may become hindered by the unexpected, and then we'll adjust as needed.

Attempts to try new things in the kitchen may end up with messes, things broken and even the smell of something burning.  We will take pictures and we will laugh - and then we will clean up.

When we go out shopping, our time will be spent without hurry and with little agenda.   We will share in conversation and wonder as we wander.

Our plans to create fun and wonderful crafts and other projects may mean we don't have something we wish we had.  So we will rely on inventive minds (and Pinterest) to come up with alternatives.

When our attempts to create end up on a FAIL blog, we will laugh and be thankful that we had fun anyway.

We may plan, again, to regularly read from the Advent book and fall several days behind.  We will be OK with that, and go right on back to reading what we can, when we can.  

All-in-all, the things we do will probably have several not-so-perfect moments. These moments are expected and anticipated so that when they happen, they are less frustrating.

My hope and prayer is that though all of this, our eyes and hearts will be focused on Jesus first.  That in all we do or don't do, His peace will be felt in powerful ways...and the joy and peace we have will overflow as a gift to each other.

Memories will be collected. 

This collection will be filled with love and laughter. 

A collection of not-so-perfect moments, that are just perfect.

May your Christmas season be blessed with His joy and His peace
in all you do, or don't do.

*****

THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE

(TO SEE THE REST OF THE POSTS RELATED TO THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE - PLEASE CHECK OUT THE CATEGORY TO THE RIGHT.)

Also in the Christmas Collective

• Ushering in Something New...
• Confessions of a Collector
• The Christmas Collective - Part II: Tradition!
• ...COMING SOON   The Christmas Collective - Part III: Redemption

Shared on A Wise Woman Builds Her Home - http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com/  for Wednesday LinkUp

Confessions of a Collector

Collecting things.

I've had a tendency to do this over the years.  For awhile it is great, but the feeling never lasts. 

Collections can be fun. Collections can be useful and sometimes profitable. However, they can also be problematic in a number of ways.  Often, they cost money.  And more money and more money. They take up space. They collect dust. In the process of collecting, they can create messes.  Often they cause more stresses.

Over the years I have collected in so many (ahem...obsessive) ways.  For several years it was Precious Moments figurines, then it was Beanie Babies.  Yeah, we all know how the Beanie Baby collection ended up. 

Then there has been the collections of home school curriculum, books of all kinds, videos and audio books and audio teachings etc.  When this happens...when book case after book case begins to overflow in your home...you just might have to start a lending library...which, of course, I did.  It was great, but it also added a LOT of stress for several years.

When it comes to shopping, for things to collect, it's really not something I look forward to. However, once something is in my mind that I think I need or really want, I set forth to find a way to get it.  Ugh. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, right?

In addition, there have been several times when it has been really challenging to resist great sales around the items I think I must have! It's calling out...come and get me.  I'm on sale, and you have a coupon!

Then, when I start to shop... I can't decide.  Hmm...this looks good in this option AND this option...So...I have had a tendency to overspend out of indecision and out of a lack of self-control. And obsessive compulsions.  Still working on this my Darling D.

Oh...and clothes.  Do you have a clothing collection? I have collected a variety of basic tanks, t-shirts and long sleeve shirts, in black, white, gray and tan.  I have collected shoes, because sometimes you have to have black AND brown of the same shoe.  But, of course, those collections are just plain practical, right?  And then I have collections IN my clothes, because sometimes you need blue, green AND purple of the same shirt.  Don't you?

I've also had great intentions to do great things - that resulted in collections.  Like stamping...and scrapbooking.  Yeah - well, I still have plenty of "stuff" and little in the way of results.  But there's always someday...

Something I still collect is information.  That is something I truly enjoy and will probably not stop doing.  As a Contemplator, I have a great need to know...in the areas I am interested in.  With Pinterest, Evernote and Kindles it is easy to collect information, for free, and without the dust or space problems.  Also, if I don't get around to actually reading and studying it...it's OK.  I had fun in the process.

At Christmas time, most of us are collecting aren't we? We collect lists.  We collect sales ads.  We collect decorations.  We collect presents and we collect supplies to wrap those presents in.  We collect Christmas cards from loved ones and those we barely know.  Often...we collect stress and we collect debt.

Shoot...throughout the year we even collect friends, followers and likes! 

We are all collectors in some way. I'm pretty sure. Or, maybe that just makes me feel better.

Collecting though...it can become compulsive. 

Collecting...can become obsessive.

Collecting...can lead our hearts astray and cause our eyes to fixate on the wrong things.

I have collected in these ways, and for me, it only resulted in pain and stress and debt.

This year, I plan to be compelled by something different. 

For the Christmas season this year...I plan to collect something different.

This year...my collecting is also part of my giving.

This year...it's about The Christmas Collective.

yeah...it's still coming...

I also collect thoughts
and then write and write...
.for real...

The Christmas Collective is coming soon!

I want to hear from you! What do you collect?
Has that changed over the years? 

Posts in The Christmas Collective series...

• Ushering in Something New
• The Christmas Collective
• The Christmas Collective - Part II: Tradition!
• The Christmas Collective - Part III: The Zeal of the Lord
• The Christmas Collective - Part IV: Redemption
• BOOK REVIEW: The War on Christmas

Ushering in something new...

"For everything there is a season, 
and a time for every matter under heaven: 

a time to be born, and a time to die;

 a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 

a time to kill, and a time to heal; 

a time to break down and a time to build up; ...

Thank you Lord for bringing me through this recent time, this season, of intensity. During this time I planted,  I watered and I enjoyed the harvest you brought forth. I felt death in several ways and I have also seen healing and life.  I have experienced the breaking down of much and look forward to the building up of more.

A new season is being ushered in.  As I have spent much time resting and soaking up time with The Lord, I have been in a season of healing. It has been a healing process the likes of which I have not felt for some time. To some of my friends I have described the last few months as a whirlwind of seasons hitting all at once. There has been time to grieve, time to reap and to reflect, time to recharge and time to just 'be' at the feet of Jesus.  It has been a bittersweet time.

...a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance,...

Looking back brings pangs of sadness as I grieve over losses and am reminded of  experiences that left their wounding imprints.  Then, with an open and emotionally raw heart, one that has left itself exposed to the healing touch of the Father, I can look forward. Sadness is displaced with gladness. He draws me toward the next steps. My steps are smaller than before, but He nudges me forward gently.

I turn towards that which I have to be thankful for, and am strengthened  through the words stored in my heart (Psalm 119:11), I begin to smile over many fond memories.  The underlying joy that resides deep within me breaks forth and the darkness dissipates enough so that I may clearly see the presence of my Lord, right there with me.

Though the gusts flare up occasionally, the wind is dying down.  

The brightness of the Son shines through and shows me new glories.

As brightness come forth, the Christmas season is ushered in.

In this new season, my heart is in a much more child-like state.  It is not a child-like state that is encumbered by the things of the world or engrossed in the immature ways of whining and demanding.  What it is, is a child like state of knowing that I am cared for and that what I have need of is given to me.

We do not have a steady income. Our future is uncertain.  There are many reasons to worry, to feel anxious and to reflect with feelings of failure.  Often I do tend to feel uneasy, but overall this new child-like state settles in. I am safe, I am loved, I am accepted and I am in the hands of the most capable and loving Father anyone can have.

This is the year where I no longer care for the ways of hustling and bustling from store to store.  I no longer care to buy things we cannot afford in an attempt to give my children beautiful memories of waking up to a tree filled with presents on Christmas morning. This is the year my children no longer care for it either.

This year, what I give, is not something I bought. This year, what I give was given to me. It is something that was purchased by my Father.  Through the gift of His son, the baby in whom we rejoice at Christmas time, the baby who would later be given up to the cross as the purchase price for me...through this gift, I have peace and I have joy.  These are gifts that come in, overflow, and are then given to others.

This year, I will give out of the overflow of what I have been given and it means that things will look a lot different this Christmas season.

The gifts of peace and joy are expressed in so many different ways and look different to different people.

Often, it looks like the sharing or our homes, our possessions and our time others. It can look like serving others in need. It can also look like a smile and sincere appreciation and recognition to someone who needs the love and compassion of others.  Which is really all of us.

It looks like wonder and awe. It looks like peace and it looks like joy.

It looks like appreciation and contentment.

For me,  this looks like the time to begin something new.

It is time to step forward in new ways.

It is time to create new memories.

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together - Ephesians 3:1-5a  

It is time to gather new stones...to build anew.

It is time for The Christmas Collective...

What is The Christmas Collective? 
Come on back to find out!

ADDITIONAL POSTS IN THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTIVE SERIES:

• Confessions of a Collector
• The Christmas Collective
• The Christmas Collective - Part II: Tradition!
• The Christmas Collective - Part III: The Zeal of the Lord
• BOOK REVIEW....The War on Christmas: Battles in Faith, Tradition and Religious Expression

He lifts my head...I hold His hand

The lyrics of Meredith Andrews song resonate in my head.

Lift up your head

And throw off every chain

Lift up your eyes

To the One who doesn't change

Lift up your hands

The broken he will mend

So lift up your head

My hands had been lifted - time and time again -in praise, in thanks, in joy, in worship and in the storms.  I love to lift them up to my Lord.  But - after many storms, my hands were growing more and more weary.  He was speaking to me all the while.

     I could not throw off the chains.  - I can 

          I'd lift my eyes up and they would become cast down again. - I am watching you
 
               I cried at his feet. -  I will wipe away your tears

                    My hands covered my eyes. Tears rolled. I was desperate. - I AM

                         I was right where He wanted me to be...
                                       - You are here with Me

In the days prior to leaving, I could barely get out of bed. Packing seemed far off and something I couldn't even do in my thoughts. Everything within me felt weighed down by the chain around me.  It is one that I have worn before.  Maybe you have worn it too? It is truly heavy and it is often made link by link.

Guilt - Condemnation - Failure - Fear - Despair

All lies - I knew they were lies, yet the accuser kept whispering them to me.  The more I fought, the more deceptive and subtle the enemy became.  I started to listen more and as I did my resolve and my hope dwindled considerably.  The voice of God was becoming quieter and farther off.  I hated this. Knowing what I know and believing as I do, the feeling of darkness covering me made it easy to feel even worse. I should be rejoicing in the LORD! ...like I used to do.

Even so, He was there with me in the pain and the sadness and the darkness.  He kept reminding me so much of Him through His word, through prayer and through beautiful songs of praise and worship.

He said things to me over and over again.  I have not left you. I have not forsaken you. He kept telling me not to fear.

"It is the LORD who goes before you.
He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed."
- Deuteronomy 31:8

He reminded me - Keep your eyes fixed on me.

That song again, (Meredith Andrews)

Let us all fix our gaze

On the Author of our faith

From all else we turn away

For the joy that conquers shame

Joy?  Where had it gone? It was something longed for, but something just out of reach.

Then He did as He often does. Morning came and the Lord provided the mercies I needed for the new day.  He had made it clear that he wanted me to go. I needed to go. My trust was solely on Him.  It had to be.

So, I packed and I went.  

Day One meant heading straight into a place where memories would flood in and it meant facing painful circumstances.  He gave me the strength I needed for that day, and for each moment as they came. 

Towards the end of Day One, my Father gave me a gift.  The gift of an unexpected conversation. The gift of being the one to offer forgiveness when I did not know forgiveness was even sought. What a joyous gift it was!

When I first saw her, well over a year ago, I thought we could be friends.  I sought her eyes and hoped to meet, but our eyes never met and I shrugged it off.  At that time, I had a strong need and desire for new friends.  It was during the largest step of faith I had ever taken where I was plunged into a new community and unfamiliar territory.  I often felt alone.

Yet, during this time, the Lord helped me to take every moment, every need and every situation, to Him....and release it.  For the most part, releasing my worries and concerns in this particular journey was pretty easy. This alone was a miracle.  Let go? REALLY trust? Yeah - that wasn't how I operated most of the time. 

God has graciously given me many blessings through surrendered faith. Even so, every moment, large and small, left its imprint on my heart.  After many months, those imprints began to meld together and the enemy used these and other painful wounds as well as the whispers of  his lies to wear me down in every way possible.

When she came to me, and asked me to sit down with her, I was surprised. It was the first time we had spoken. For me, her imprint was small, quite small, considering the many, many other imprints over this journey.  Yet - her presence, her love, her humility and her heart-felt conversation with me that night - was large. Quite large.  

Often, my heart hurts greatly when I see or feel someone dishonoring God.  In the same way, when I see someone show great honor and love I am deeply moved and exhilarated.   Seeing a precious and beautiful daughter of our King, my sister-in-Christ, moved to tears and humbly asking for forgiveness gave me great, great joy.  Not because I felt it was needed or ever expected it, but because she is so precious in God's eyes and her act was so pleasing to Him that I couldn't help but rejoice!  What a gift!

So - in 24 hours - I had gone from a desperately low place in my spirit to a place of awe and wonder.  Yay God! Thank you!  In addition, I began to feel loved more deeply through her act, and through the brilliant smiles of a few friends I hadn't seen in several months.  Day One began a journey of healing.

Days Two, Three and Four were filled with more love and more large movements in my heart.  By trusting a dear friend, I agreed to attend a "Walk to Emmaus" event.  God would use this time to draw me oh so close in His embrace. Through this event, the people that were involved and the activities I participated in, God brought about a beautiful caressing and nurturing to my heart.

On Day Three the Lord began to give me beautiful images to revel in as He spoke to me of His love and His fellowship and His Fatherhood.

I pondered the story of Emmaus as recorded in the book of Luke.  As Cleopas and "the other" walked along the road to Emmaus with Jesus, they did not know that the one who joined them on their journey was the very one they longed for.   Luke 24:26 says "But their eyes were kept from recognizing him".

How often we do not see the one who is there with us?  Sometimes it is because we are not looking, but at other times we want so much to see Him, feel Him, be near to Him and yet our eyes are kept from really seeing how close He is.  Perhaps, sometimes when we do not see how near He is, there is a great purpose in the revealing moments and in the story of not seeing? Perhaps, our seeing Him more clearly is all part of His plan and is fully within His control and timing, to bring about His glory and His purposes?

I pictured an image of walking along a dusty road, alone.  Then, I saw Jesus there.  I stopped walking and looked into his eyes.  He spoke to me and reminded me of who He is and gave me a glimpse of understanding that His purposes were being carried out through the journey.  Then, I held his hand and we walked together.  I could not see ahead of me on the path, but He was with me.

He was there all the time. - I will never leave you or forsake you.  

That evening another beautiful picture came to mind.  Through an act of love, and a small thing, I was given a beautiful, heart wrenching image.  In this picture, God reminded me of His Fatherly love for me.  I began to really feel like a daughter to the most precious and amazing Father ever.  I heard him say,   I have so much more to show you and to give to you. I love you tenderly dear daughter.  Keep walking with me. I will reveal more to you.

In my heart, I really felt as if I had fallen into the arms of love and had been released of the heavy chains.  He reached for my hand and I was able to lift my eyes again with hope and expectation to the future of what He wants to show me and where He wants to take me.

By the end of Day Four, I sang. 

A bit of caution here...those who know me know....I...do...not...sing.

Well, that is, unless it is in front of an audience and really embarrassing...like at my wedding.  Or perhaps as a backup singer with the man who would become the next CEO of Dell Computers to a large room full of executives and Mr. Dell himself....or, as I did this evening, to a room full of women I am only beginning to know...dressed in black...to the tunes of Johnny Cash. Yep- sure did. I was excited too, despite fears, insecurities and only a few days before having been in an emotional place where I didn't want to be around anyone. ANYone.

Honestly, I am not one who jumps at the chance for the microphone! Yet, when it comes to my great God, something happens.  Sometimes the spirit's prompting is just too clear and sometimes I just do things He asks me to do.  Later I think, "I did what?!?"  You see, fears that hold us back from doing what God wants us to do can not occupy the frontal place of our mind when trust is put in Him and His Spirit takes over.

This four day journey came to a close and God had chosen to use it as the means to bring about healing and renewal in my spirit.  In the days prior to obediently going when and where God was leading me, I could hardly make it out of bed.  During the journey, he lifted my head and broke off the chains of the enemy.  Going forward, I walk on the dusty path holding His hand.

My arms will quite likely get tired again, but His hand will still be holding mine.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power of work within us,to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." - Ephesians 3:20,21 (emphasis mine)