Messy Hope - A Mom's Confession

Sunday.

A day filled with praise, worship, fellowship and preaching.

It's an amazing time where the heart can be filled with the joy of the Lord.

It's also a day that can start off, or end, pretty darn miserable as the enemy seeks to steal joy and peace and the pursuit of fellowship with our Father.

Perhaps the fussy kids, clothes that don't fit, messes around you, car problems etc will cause you to not go or perhaps they will create an air of hypocrisy in and around you as you step out the door in anger and frustration.  You KNOW where your heart should be focused.  You WANT the joy and the smiles, but now you are angry and staying home seems like a MUCH BETTER plan!  Yeah, been there far too many times.

Yesterday though, my Sunday started off great.  I got to meet new visitors, I got to say "Hi" and visit with many people and I was blessed to give and receive numerous hugs.  Worship was AMAZING (as it usually is). The sermon was right on (as it usually is) and I was overflowing in joy, peace, love and hope.  

I even posted on the Facebook page about hope.

Hope is not about what we wish for or wishful thinking.

Hope, in Christ, is supernaturally amazing in so many ways.

May you be filled with the Hope of Christ. The Hope you have through the gift of His son.

"a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain"

- Hebrews 6:13-20 (v19)

I was feeling great! but....

My heart, my attitude, my actions - my hope - were all about to be tested.  Again

It really was a minor incident.  

Yet somehow it opened up deep emotions of pain, fear and anxiety and it came to the surface like a volcano erupting.  

I yelled, I cried, I pouted and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have.

I was ready to give up homeschooling, homemaking of all kind and everything I passionately pursue. Forget it.  All those happy homemakers can have it! I'm done!  It was far from a right attitude and it caused my precious children to feel sad, and my husband to wonder what to do with me.

I said I would need to get a job, outside the home.  I knew it wasn't even right to postulate such a thing in front of my children, whom I have cared for day in and day out their whole lives. Of course, wanting that which I said was far from the truth.  It was all senseless frustration. I love being at home, with them.

Then it came. The most heart wrenching words ever came out of my child's mouth as she hugged me.

"You have a job mom. Your job is to love us and care for us."

Heart officially pierced.  Crushed to pieces...and melted...reshaped...at the same time.

I was failing miserably and my child was now encouraging me!  Oh sweet, sweet children. I am SO SO sorry!

Then, I felt even worse because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. I knew it went against EVERYTHING I desired and longed for in my heart. 

One minute I was rejoicing in the Zeal of the Lord (more about that in a coming post). 

In the next, I was ruining what should have been a great evening with our children.  I failed in every way of my great desire to see Peace, Joy, and Love reign this year by creating family memories for The Christmas Collective.

Now is when Satan wants to let the spiral propel to even more devastating ends...by sulking in despair over failure. 

Instead, I cry and I seek forgiveness.  I ask the Father to remind me of the Hope I know of. 

I ask a friend to pray for and with me.

Hope has become messy and I long to see it clearly again. 

He reminds me that His mercies are new every morning, and I am so, so, so thankful.

He asks me to share this failure, so others can know they are not alone.  

He reminds me that HIS love is STEADFAST and NEVER CEASES!

I will HOPE IN HIM!

But this I call to mind,

And therefore I have hope. 

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; 

his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The is LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him"

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him."

- Lamentations 3:21-25 

As I go through my morning devotional routine, I see the verse of the day for my Bible app....

"Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you.

If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, 

then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father.

And this is the promise that he made to us - eternal life."

-1 John 2:24-25 

I am reminded of that which abides in me as a believer and follower of Christ. It is not lost, it is still there.

I am reminded of His promises.  I am reminded of eternal life - a life which is to come, where Joy reigns.

I am reminded of the Hope I have as I enter the inner places and worship the great High Priest.

So today I fight against the enemies continued attempts to GET and KEEP me down because of  failure, anxiety, guilt or condemnation.

Today I cry at the feet of my Lord and let His words cover me and renew my mind and my heart.  

Today I ask for forgiveness (again) and accept His mercies to start anew.

Today, my children (and my sweet husband) learn, again, that mom is not perfect and she too needs the Savior, desperately and daily.

Today - I am reminded that I am DEFINITELY not-so-perfect, but He STILL IS!

Humbled by comparison

Last weekend I joined several women from our church for the annual women's retreat.  It was by far the best one I've ever been to. I left home raw with emotions and came back utterly emotionally exhausted, yet rejuvenated at the same time.

The theme was "I am more than..."  Numerous women shared their stories of being more than the season they were in, the circumstances of their life and their emotions.  I think every woman in that room had something to share and most did. They shared the work of Jesus in their lives, or the desire to see Jesus do a mighty work. They shared pain and healing. They shared their stories of redemption. The sharing of their stories drew us together.  There was a powerful feeling of connectedness that happened as stories were told.

We had a great introduction to our weekend as our first speaker talked about redemption.  She shared how redemption is MORE THAN the forgiveness of sins.  It is more than payment.  It includes deliverance and restoration.  She talked about our stories being important because they are - OUR stories. They are OUR journeys.  They are personal and there is joy to be found in each one.

She also shared how she has experienced the thoughts of "I have no story because nothing major has happened in my life" to thoughts of "Oh, well I have been through this, this and this.  When YOU have been through this...come talk to me." While I recognized what she said and agreed with the point she made, I did not realize I was about to engage in the same sad game of comparison.

In hearing women share their stories I found myself doing the very thing I seek not to do - judge others.  I walked into the room consumed by a number of things that have been wearing out my heart for some time. Honestly, I was focused on me and my pain. As the stories poured forth I found myself judging one person in particular and thinking, "Oh, she's just dealing with such and such. Whatever.  My struggles are far more challenging then hers." UGH. It hurts to admit this ugliness in me, but it was there.

Then, I heard more. More of her real story and the things God has brought her through. Oh my goodness.  So much MORE than I've dealt with!  I went from thinking she had no real reason to cry to thinking she is such an amazingly strong and vibrant woman of God! I found myself going from a stance of thinking, "Oh, I could help her with blah, blah, blah" to "Oh Lord, let the peace and strength she has resonate through me more!"

Just as I am typing this up, my email notifier showed up on my screen to let me know about books dealing with HUMILITY .  Nice Lord.  I just love your sense of humor. Deep breath now...

Yet, as I recognized that her story had great value, I also felt myself comparing again. Now I saw more value in her than in myself. I felt myself on both sides of comparison in this one woman sharing her story. As another speaker, Carrie, said when she spoke, we so often compare ourselves with others. We can compare ourselves with anything. "It's a gift. We don't even have to think about it. We just do it." Yep - I sure did. It was humbling and it was eye opening.

When the retreat closed the Lord gave me a shift in my perspective.  I was able to see the judgment I quickly passed, the shift of valuing this woman more and then even the fight to not let her value, her story, overshadow my own value in the Lord.   

I saw a need for improved lenses so that I can see others, and myself, more as Jesus does.  I needed a new perspective of the value of the Lord's work, whether in me or in others. My perspective changed to allow me to see each story and each work of redemption as valued for what it is, the work of a loving author and healer who desires redemption for each of us.

It is my heart's desire to grow more in seeing the value of others as I seek for balance in my own value before Him.  It was refreshing to recognize this and it was a gift. I am thankful to be shown my own pride, even though it seemed like an air of helpful service.  Really, my thoughts were rooted in pride. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to have pride shoved aside in favor of seeing much greater value and purpose in this woman - through the sharing of her story.

I am thankful for being reminded that her story, and my story, is valued and is important.

We are all works in progress and we all have victories and challenges.  We each have our own story and it is OUR OWN story.  Each story has great value.  The process of redemption in each story is extremely valuable. It is the work of a mighty and loving God who desires to deliver and to restore. The work He is doing in and through each of His children is of utterly great value. May we see our stories though the lenses of our redeemer.

Some stories of redemption are complete and we can rejoice in a known ending. Some are still in process and we look forward, with hope, to see a victorious ending.  In some stories, we will not see the end and they will require trust in a great and good God to know that the end is in His sight.

In all these works, let us keep our eyes fixed on the weaver of our stories.  Let us look forward to His redemptive work.  Let us be comforted that each of our stories are important because they are important to Him and because they reflect the work that He is doing.

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; 

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before, 

and lay your hand upon me.

...

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me, 

when as yet there was none of them."

-Psalm 139:1-5;16