Yeah, quiet, solitude and order. Caring for hurting children. This doesn't sync together too well.
Allow me to expand a bit. I began my mothering journey at 19, single and alone. As a result, I've felt that I missed out on the adult single years and longed for them since this birth occurred 22 years ago. Yet, as much as I had these desires, I also felt that God might lead our blended family to fostering or adopting some day. If we did, I knew it would require a lot of work and it definitely wouldn't be orderly and quiet! So, I confronted my desire for comfort and faced that God may lead me to something much more challenging, which I also wanted. I also wanted to love a hurting child, or two. Contradictory desires. My heart and mind wrestled internally and with God.
Ultimately, the desire to serve Christ no matter what and the passion to love others for the sake of the gospel led us to a life altering and life shaking move far beyond what I had imagined. Now my heart is forever changed.
Our journey as foster parents began and ended much differently than I anticipated. We moved our family to do so. That was huge. Then, it wasn't one or two children we would care for, but 13 foster children in a span of 15 months in addition to another teenage boy. DEFINITELY, not quiet and orderly! Once we took the step, we thought we might stay in this role for several years. But, due to a number of circumstances we moved back and now have two children in the home. By now, I had already borne the greatest pain involved in the initial stages of caring for our hurt children. Now, I wanted to make these children a part of our home forever, but God had other plans for them and for us. Moving back and releasing the children was another God led, life altering move that required great trust.
(Our 2012 family at Christmas minus a few)
Now, after an intense season of busyness and an incredible number of trials and obstacles, we are in a much needed season of rest. It will not be forever. Soon, God will bring us into a new season of serving and it will look much different than the last year and a half.
As I reflect on our journey, I recall numerous ways that we received help that was such a blessing. I also think of ways that I wish others might have helped, but when people offered, we didn't know what we needed and we really didn't want to ask.
Perhaps you have a friend who is fostering and/or adopting? Perhaps you desire to do so yourself but aren't ready to commit just yet. If so, consider some of the following ways to help and bless others who have made the commitment. You can still be a blessing in so many ways! Who knows what journey the Lord may have for you!
Ten Things You Can Do to Help - Foster Parent Edition:
(Maybe these are the Top Ten, maybe not. Maybe I'm missing some GREAT ideas that YOU have...if so...please share below in the comments section!)
1. Prayer
Offer to pray. Then DO IT! Actually pray! Pray with and for the family. Pray via phone, via text or via email or other messaging options. Pray as often as God brings them to mind.
Maybe the family has a blog or prayer list to update people on prayer requests. I wanted to blog about our experiences but I simply didn't have time and there were so, so many things that I couldn't talk about which I really desired prayer over. So instead I would occasionally message people on Facebook who expressed interest in what we were doing and in praying for us. I still had to be pretty general on some issues, but I could be a little more real and honest on others. Many prayed. Thank you.
Perhaps, you prefer to pray with people in person. Maybe you could visit the parent or family for a time of prayer? During our time at the ranch we had a friend who drove nearly two hours to visit us with the specific purpose of prayer. She brought others with her on different occasions and it was such a blessing to me to have the fellowship in an otherwise somewhat isolating existence. It was an encouragement to be lifted up in prayer by others - on the spot. And...knowing the time and sacrifice it took for them to make the drive to pray in person was amazing. They and their prayers and fellowship were an absolute blessing.
2. Provision - Meals
When someone has a baby, or there is a death in the family, or some life altering event occurs it is often easy to think of bringing a meal to people. For some reason, when foster children are brought into the home, it doesn't seem like bringing a meal is as easily thought of. There were several times during our fostering journey where having a meal or two brought to the home would have been a real blessing; when the children first arrived, the next several weeks after their arrival and then during school breaks.
When our children first arrived we were plunged into a fire, earthquake and tornado all at once. We hadn't fostered before and suddenly we had five children who needed love but weren't ready for it and whom had never experienced healthy discipline or boundaries. There were language barriers, anger, confusion and sadness and there were significant behavioral, emotional and psychological issues. Plus, there was the adjustment of a new home, new living arrangements, new caregivers, new school etc. On top of that, during the first 30 days all the children are expected to have a doctor's visit and psychological evaluations. Dentist appointments need to be made. There is a good deal of intake paperwork to take care of and file. School registrations and sometimes various therapy sessions needed to be done. Then - while they live with you there is documentation that is due every two weeks, for each child, that details how they are doing in a number of areas. There is also an expectation to log incidents. In our home, there was a lot of hitting, biting, kicking, cursing, spitting, hair pulling, throwing objects and a LOT of screaming! Dealing with this was one thing, then figuring out the most efficient way to keep track of, and log, incidents appropriately was quite a challenge. As you can see, fostering includes more than just caring for hurting children.
(After an incident of rage where our son overturned the beds,
he cried and needed love and care.)
Amongst the many adjustments, trials, paperwork and house work, having someone bring a meal, or frozen meals, would have been a huge blessing. Perhaps you could bring a meal in the early weeks of someone who has new foster children, and then again periodically during their children's stay. Maybe you could bring some meals to freeze if they have freezer space? he cried and needed love and care.)
When bringing food, please be sure to ask about possible special dietary requirements in advance. Particularly, there may be an unknown nut allergy which is usually quite serious. (If you find you need some Gluten Free, Nut Free & Egg Free recipes, check out my sister's blog, Hope's Kitchen.)
Please do consider keeping the sugar and food dyes to a minimum. There are plenty of options to bring without these. Many children in foster care have been affected by their parents drug usage to a degree that makes them far more likely to be hyperactive. Sugar and food colorings could exacerbate these issues during a time when calming effects are much needed for their stressed bodies.
Also, many of these children are not at all familiar with healthy eating regiments. They are already adjusting to so many new things that if your well intentioned meal was a great healthy option (such as veggies and whole grains), it might be rejected by the children. Our Hispanic children pretty much liked plain McDonalds' burgers, chicken nuggets fries and ketchup. That was about it. Over time they came to learn to like many new foods and vegetables, but it was a process and it took time. I'm just saying, it might be a good idea to keep "kid friendly" in mind. Just ask the foster parents if the food you plan to bring is OK with them.
Now, I must take a minute to thank those who helped us out. Our biggest meal blessings came during the school year when we were significantly blessed by the local First Baptist Church community. On Wednesday evenings our children attended AWANA's or youth group. In between the two events a community dinner was provided at the church and our whole family got fed. I loved my friends at the FBC and I loved our Wednesday evenings!
3. Provision - Clothes and more
Another need that the children may or may not have when they first come into care is clothing, toys, personal items etc. Many people don't realize that foster children often arrive with nothing. Sometimes even what they are wearing isn't sufficient. You won't know what they need until they show up at your door. In fact, you as the foster parent may think you are getting a 3 month old and so you prepare bottles, diapers, formula and a baby bath...only to find out that she is really 2 years old and will not fit that bassinet you set up! Yeah - that happened.
When our first five children came, they came with one laundry bag of clothes...and lice. Of the clothes that were in the bag, many didn't fit right or they weren't in good condition. Also, there were only a couple pairs of underwear and only for the younger boys. And...since four of them had lice, the clothes all got sanitized in the washer and dryer. They were then bagged up and put in the sun for a week to kill any eggs or bugs. So, since they came at night, first thing the next morning I needed to buy the basics for all of them. I spent $500 at the local store just to get by for a few days. Then I found out the school had a dress code and I needed more clothes for them. Later, others blessed us with donations, but I'll never forget the immediate need and having no way to get help. While reimbursements for fostering are intended to cover these costs, the first reimbursement won't be seen for weeks after the children come. So, receiving a gift card or gift of clothes would have been a great help in the beginning especially.
In addition to clothing needs, the children often don't have anything of their own. If you want to offer something to foster children directly, please ask the parents what would be appropriate. Offer suggestions of what you might like to give. Perhaps you could give a toy, a book, or some other item that they could call their own. One lady embroidered the names of foster children on high quality duffle bags and provided them as a gift. One of the gals in our church works with a nonprofit organization to provide journals to Central Texas children in emergency shelters and care. It is called Hearts of Purpose Journals These are a couple great ideas. If you have an idea to share, please share your suggestions in the comments below!
4. Errands
Due to the number of things that were on our plate, the number of children in the home, the challenges we faced with our van and due to our semi-remote location, we found it especially difficult to make needed trips to the store.
Perhaps offering to run errands would be a blessing for your fostering friends? They may have small children that are adjusting to the new schedules. With all the appointments these children have, and often times weekly or bi-monthly visits with bio parents, they really don't need to endure a trip to the grocery store when they are first adjusting to everything. For the foster parents, having a friend run errands for them could allow them to spend more time bonding with the children and allow the children to rest or play instead.
5. Extra Eyes / Babysit / Respite
Because of where we lived, there were often people who expressed interest in helping us by being an extra set of eyes, by watching the kids while I cleaned or prepped dinner. But, often it just ended up being more work for me. If their background check hasn't been run yet, I couldn't leave the person alone with the foster child/ren. Also, they often did not know how to handle the numerous incidents that happened. Eventually, we did receive help periodically from the owner of the ranch and from a few people who began to visit regularly. However, given the dynamics in our home, we really needed more help and more breaks.
A babysitter for foster children will need a minimum of a background check run. Even if you wanted to volunteer to come to the home periodically to help watch the kids while mom worked on paper work or cleaning, for example, expect to have a background check done. Consistency is very helpful as well. If the children get to know you and you get to know them and how to work with them, your help become much more valuable to everyone.
More is required to be a respite provider. Respite involves caring for foster children for 72 hours or more. What a blessing you could be to foster parents in giving them a break, a date night or even a chance to get away! Providing respite care could help them endure the challenges and be an even greater blessing to the children as they get a chance to rest and become re-energized.
6. Games / Crafts
Are you crafty? Do you like to play games...indoor board games or active outdoor games? Consider visiting the home, or offering your home, for craft and/or game time! Maybe not everyone would welcome this but I would and did!
There are so many ideas and projects that I've wanted to do but never get around to doing. Now there is Pinterest. Ugh. Anyway, towards the end of our stay there was a sweet lady that came once a week with fully prepared craft activities and snacks for the children. She kept them busy with a Pinterest project for about an hour. It was great! The kids got to experience new things and I got a minute to breathe. She had the opportunity to be a blessing...then go home and sleep.
We were also blessed with a dear friend who happened to be a physical therapist. Let me tell you..the excitement the kids had when he came to visit was amazing. Having him get the children physically active, learn survival skills and just enjoy a tiring day out doors was AMAZING! Then...to top it off his beautiful wife helped out with the youngest children by reading stories, putting them down for naps and keeping little hands and minds busy. What a BLESSING!
7. Clean / Organize
Clean: Sweep, vacuum, dust, pick up toys, scrub a tub, wipe the blinds.... The list of possible cleaning help goes on and on! True, not everyone wants to allow others into their home to clean because it can honestly be a very humbling experience. It is especially humbling when they literally see all your dirty laundry...and clean it.
Yep, that was our laundry pile collection after getting behind by just 2 or 3 days. Keeping up with 4-5 loads a day was a bit daunting and exhausting (as you can see below). I was glad for any help I could get!
Organize: Perhaps you have a knack for organization? You might have a gift in this area and may really enjoy the process. Personally, I love to have things organized but can't seem to get around to getting it all done the way I want. Or, at least I couldn't when I had small children and when I was at the ranch. I love to do it, but if I'm swamped and someone has the talent and wants to help...hey, go right ahead!
8. Get Equipped
Requirements: If you are interested in volunteering, babysitting or providing respite care, find out what the requirements are in your state for assisting in each level of care. Be prepared to have a background check run at a minimum. Providing respite (generally caring for foster children for 72 hours or more) usually requires more steps. Being approved to do so in the eyes of Texas includes an FBI fingerprinting (around $45), a background check and CPR/First Aid training. Perhaps, you could proactively be equipped in these areas so that in an emergency situation, you could assist.
Read, study, train: If you are not familiar with the challenges of being a foster parent you might consider studying up or receiving training to equip yourself to be a better helper. (If you have a suggestion, please add it to the comments below and it may be added to the Resources list.) The ultimate volunteer or helper to a foster family would be one who took the time to take foster training by their agency. During this training you will learn more about how the system works and what type of experiences you might expect. Then, when you volunteer you understand a little more about what you are getting into.
9. Be understanding / Refrain from assumptions
Understanding : There are so many emotional and physical challenges in taking care of foster children. Understand that the foster parents need love and support and encouragement. They are in the heart of serving. In doing so, they may have had to learn new paradigms in what it means to be the gospel. They may be learning parenting skills that are vastly different than what you, and they, are used to. Understand that the way they handle situations may look very different than what you would expect. Be understanding to the changes they are going through and encourage them along the way as they seek to parent hurting children the best way they can. Offer to help if needed, but do consider limiting your "advice" (unless you are experienced in this area).
Refrain from assumptions: Don't assume that because the foster parents are busy they don't want to hear from you. Several of my friends admitted to me that they often didn't text or call because they knew how busy I was. However, I really needed to feel more connected and highly valued every contact I had with friends. If you do text or call, don't expect an answer right away, and don't assume that just because you don't get a response that they don't want to hear from you. But if you are a friend, do it anyway. Stay in contact.
Refrain from assuming the worst: It seems natural to people to assume that children in foster care belong to all of us. In a way they do, as technically they are under the state's care. However, the foster parents are the one caring for them, loving them, providing for them, struggling through the hard times and persevering with them. If you see something that concerns you about the child's welfare, be careful not to jump the gun. Do NOT assume the worst and take immediate action unless there is SIGNIFICANT reason to do so!
It is true that several children in foster care have been through various foster homes and may have even been adopted, then abused and neglected again. There is reason to be vigilant, however, simply assuming that something is happening and taking action can be quite damaging to the child/ren and the entire family. Consider talking to the family directly about your concerns. Consider offering help. Take it to the Lord in prayer.
A piece of our story: During our last month at the ranch, which was also the children's last month of school, we were packing, moving, painting, etc. and Darling D and I were like ships passing in the night. We were stretched thin physically and emotionally. Have you ever moved? Imagine moving and planning the logistics to prepare one home, clean out another and prepare to have some children placed in different homes while managing 11 children.. Then - imagine having CPS called on you THREE times during that month by someone in one of the children's schools.
Do you have any idea what happens if you make an abuse charge? An investigation has to be done. That means interviewing ALL the foster children in the home. That means ANOTHER stranger for the child/ren. Do you know how many strangers the foster children already have had in their lives while in foster care? Here's an idea: foster family, case worker, case manager, psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, doctor, dentist, teachers, special ed teachers, principal, classmates, CASA worker, attorney...then often the case manager or case worker changes and there is another new person in their life. THEN, when an investigator comes - let's say at 6 PM during a pouring rain storm while the children are fighting and disobeying and you are trying to get the evening routine going, alone, because your husband is picking up another child who missed getting off the bus... Then the children have yet another stranger to talk to and the whole evening routine is messed up causing late bedtimes and fussy kids the next day.
More strangers, more stress, more trauma. At a time when we and the children needed stress relievers, instead we were given stress enhancers because of someone imposing their fears and assuming the worst. While our situation cleared up quickly, I have a friend who is dealing with more than we did because of the call of a "well-meaning" friend when her and her husband had a fight. What she needed was loving support and encouragement and instead she got the cops and the removal her three foster children over a not pleasant, but not abusive, incident. She and her husband cared for three small children through their crises for seven months, and now three weeks into the incident, the children are still in another person's home while the investigator takes her sweet time coming out to investigate. More strangers, more stress, more trauma.
Whew...OK. Just...please use wisdom and discernment if you think you need to call in a report of abuse. Please offer help if you are concerned. I'm not saying don't make a call if it is truly warranted, but just remember, the foster parents are going through a whole lot to take care of these children and maybe the whole picture is different than what may be perceived on the outside. We aren't perfect but many of us are loving and caring the best we can.
10. Gifts / Tokens of love / Encouragement
During a time where the stress was really overwhelming me, my daughter sensed it. She always does. Her responses are kisses, hugs, smiles and words of encouragement. One day I found this note on my pillow. I cried and was encouraged greatly.
Perhaps a small gift of some kind, or a note of encouragement, would be the blessing to brighten the day of a tired parent. I'm not great at thinking up ideas of small gifts or tokens of love for the family particularly, but please share your great ideas below in the comments section!
During the journey of fostering, consider the foster parents and their bio children. The bio children have endured a lot as well as they make way for new children in the home. Sometimes they respond well and sometimes they don't. Consider a small token of love through a gift or sharing of encouragement for the bio family as well. Encouragement along the way could help a family make it through feelings of defeat and discouragement. Ask the Lord for guidance and surely there is some way you can show your love and offer encouragement.
We can be in the trenches and serve better and stronger with love and support. We can help those who are in the trenches. We can all wrap the loving arms of Christ around these hurting children in some way. When we serve, encourage and bless others in hard times and when we love others through a community effort, we become a more beautiful picture of what it means to be the body of Christ.
Resources:
The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis While targeted for foster and adoptive parents, this book may be a great resource for anyone with a child that they are having a hard time connecting with.
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